Cheater

Cheater (pronounced chee-ter)

(1) A person who cheats.

(2) Specifically, an adulterer (although used in the same sense of infidelity generally, even when neither party is married). 

(3) A device or component used to evade detection of non-compliance with rules or regulations (such as the (Dieselgate) mechanical and electronic devices used by Volkswagen and others to cheat emissions testing programmes).  As a mechanical device a cheater is thus "a modifier" and the word is also often used as one.

(4) Slang (in the plural) for eyeglasses or spectacles (archaic).

(5) In mechanical repair, an improvised breaker bar made from a length of pipe and a wrench (spanner), used typically to free screws, bolts etc proving difficult to remove with a ratchet or wrench alone; any device created ad-hoc to perform a task not using the approved or designated tools.

1300-1350: From the Middle English cheater from cheat, from cheten, an aphetic variant of acheten & escheten, from the Old French eschetour, escheteur & escheoiter, from the noun; it displaced native Old English beswican.  The -er suffix was from the Middle English –er & -ere, from the Old English -ere, from the Proto-Germanic -ārijaz, probably borrowed from the Latin -ārius.  The adoption was reinforced by the synonymous but unrelated Old French –or & -eor (the Anglo-Norman variant was -our), from the Latin -(ā)tor, from the primitive Indo-European -tōr.  The suffix was added to a person or thing that does an action indicated by the root verb, thereby forming the agent noun.  The noun cheatery is now rare, existing only in old texts.  Escheat refers to the right of a government to take ownership of estate assets or unclaimed property, most often when an individual dies without making a will and with no heirs.  In common law, the theoretical basis of escheat was that (1) all property has a recognized owner and (2) if no claimants to ownership exists or can be identified, ownership reverts to the King (in modern terms the state).  However, in some circumstances escheat rights can also be granted when assets are held to be bona vacantia (unclaimed or lost property).  The original sense was of the "royal officer in charge of the king's escheats," and was a shortened form of escheater, agent noun from escheat.  The meaning “someone dishonest; a dishonest player at a game” emerged in the 1530s as the Middle English chetour, a variant of eschetour following the example of escheat +‎ -er which evolved in English in the modern form cheater (cheat + -er).  Cheater & cheatery are nouns; the noun plural is cheaters.

Cheater cars are a frequent sight on several social media platforms, posted presumably by impressed spectators rather than victims or perpetrators.  Techniques and artistry vary but there does seem to be a trend whereby the more expensive the car, the larger and more lurid will be the lettering.  Red, pink and fuchsia appear the colors of choice (the connotation perhaps "scarlet") except where the automotive canvas is some hue of red; those artists adorn mostly in black or white; the use of upper and lower case characters seems to vary.  Like many trends on social media, all may not be what it appears and it's believed some of the "cheater cars" posted are "fake", daubed just as click-bait.

Although the consequence of having violated the the Seventh Commandant, those suffering a "cheatered" care are in a sense "victims" so the following notes are provided as a courtesy to cheaters: If the philandering cheater is (obviously undeservingly) lucky, they’ll find the attack on their car has been symbolic rather than destructive in that the paint is water-based.  If so, if discovered soon after application, it may be possible for it to be dissolved and washed away without having to resort to strong chemicals.  Specialists recommend cleaning the car with just mild, soapy water (thereby removing anything abrasive) and then soaking microfiber towels in the same mix.  Place a wet towel over the affected area for 5-10 minutes (obviously more difficult with vertical surfaces so some improvisation may be demanded) and then gently wipe away the softened paint (do not scrub aggressively because some grit may be embedded; if possible use water spray from domestic garden hose).  If some time has elapsed and the paint fully has dried, usually it's safe to use a rubbing alcohol (such as Isopropyl); this should break down the latex or acrylic binder without harming the paint beneath.  Pour a small quantity of rubbing alcohol onto a clean microfiber cloth, hold on the paint for a few seconds and then gently rub with a circular motion.  Also potentially effective are the citrus-based solvents but these must be used with caution because they’re remarkably strong (left on some plastics, they can melt the surface!) so fluid should be tested on some small, hidden part of the vehicle (such under the hood (bonnet) or beneath carpets).  There are also dedicated clay-based lubricants (they come as conveniently sized bars) that can be “glided” across dampened paint to lift what’s atop without damaging the paint below.  The clay works on as similar basis to rubbing compounds and these may be necessary for any “stubborn spots”.  If the paint used is oil-based or something just as “sticky”, an expert should be consulted because aggressive solvents (industrial paint strippers, acetone, lacquer thinner etc) quickly can eat through to bare metal or whatever material was used for the bodywork.

An sinner's Audi: A Trotskyesque death by pick-axe, Burgas, Bulgaria, September 2005.  Press reports suggested this attack was a "business matter" but it could have been the work of a S5C-APC.

So that’s of paint which is bad enough.  However if one had cheated on a S5C (stage-five clinger, a breed always prone to using paint) who is also APC (actual psycho-chick), the consequences may be worse and S5C-APC may resort to fire-bombing car, attacking it with a baseball bat, slashing tyres or leaving a half-dozen pick-axes buried in the bodywork.  That may sound extreme but the S5C-APC can be exactly that and, after all, cheaters have only themselves to blame and all that can be recommended is following either (1) the Seventh Commandant (Thou shall not commit adultery) or (2) the unwritten eleventh (Thou shall not get caught).  As a technical point, it's acknowledged that suggesting all cheaters are men and all painters (or axe-wielders) are women is sexual stereotyping may be wrong but probably only to the extent almost all cheaters are men and almost all painters (or axe-wielders) are women.

Hell also hath no fury like a woman cheated upon.   

Because it sounds Shakespearian (a construct in literature), the (anyway incorrectly quoted) phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” often is attributed to William Shakespeare (1564–1616).  That's thought plausible because it seems to be in "his voice" and in modern use, often about the only time the Middle English “hath” is seen is in some Shakespearian quote so the association sticks.  The real author however was Restoration playwright William Congreve (1670–1729) who coined the phrase for his 1697 play The Mourning Bride, the protagonist of which, although becoming a bit unhinged by the cruel path of doomed love, doesn’t resort to leporidaecide (bunny boiling).  Congreve’s line, “Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorn'd.” was good but actually was a more poetic rendition of a similar but less elegantly expressed version another playwright had used a year earlier.  The Mourning Bride is the source also of another fragment for which the bard is often given undeserved credit: “Music has charms to soothe a savage breast” although that’s often bowdlerized as “Music has charms to soothe a savage beast”.  Politicians notoriously are liars and cheaters, some even cheerfully admitting it (usually when safely in their well-provided for retirement) but in the privacy of their diaries, they're fond of happily (and usually waspishly) admitting it of others.  Although he has a deserved reputation for telling not only lies but big lies, no one has ever disputed Joseph Goebbels’ (1897–1945; Reich Minister of Propaganda 1933 to 1945) assessment of a fellow cabinet member, foreign minister Joachim von Ribbentrop (1893–1946; Minister of Foreign Affairs 1938-1945) of whom he said “He bought his name, married his money and cheated his way into power”.  Goebbels was a serial adulterer and in his home town was known as "Die Ziege von Berlin" (the goat of Berlin). 

Volkswagen: Cheating as a science 

Guilty as sin.

Oliver Schmidt (b 1969; inmate number 09786-104 in US Federal, York Township, Michigan. right) received a seven year sentence for his involvement in the Volkswagen diesengate scandal.  Herr Schmidt (right) is pictured here receiving a Ward’s “Best Engine” award in 2015.  In US$ terms, dieselgate is thus far the most expensive of the many "gates".  In falsifying things so its diesel engines appeared to be less polluting than they were (certain particulates emitted at up to 40 times the volumes claimed with some 11 million "cheating" vehicles built) Volkswagen certainly gave cheating a bad name and, in addition to the hefty fines imposed in the US and EU (European Union (1993)), the multi-national aggregation which evolved from the EEC (European Economic Community), the Zollverein formed in 1957), in May 2022 the company announced an out-of-court settlement of Stg£193 million (US$242 million) with UK regulators, following the Aus$125 million (US$87 million) imposed by the PVA (Federal Court of Australia).  To date, Dieselgate has cost the company some US$34 billion with guilty verdicts handed down in criminal cases including two former Audi executives: head of engine development Wolfgang Hatz (b 1959) and lead diesel engineer Giovanni Pamio (b 1963) who were handed suspended jail sentences of 24 months and 21 months, respectively.  Hatz was fined €400,000 (US$437,000) and Pamio €50,000 (US$55,000).  All three were guilty as sin so the verdicts were unsurprising.  Volkswagen suffered greater consequences for having be "caught cheating" than did Pontiac in 1973 but that was a single vehicle submitted for testing so really was a case of "attempted cheating".

1971 Volkswagen Karmann Cheetah prototype.

Before they became the industry’s most notorious (although not only) cheats, Volkswagen flirted with the idea of producing a “Cheetah”; designed by Italy’s Italdesign and built by German coachbuilder Karmann, the Volkswagen Karmann Cheetah first appeared in March 1971 at the Geneva Motor Show.  Reflecting the view there were still developmental possibilities in the company’s long-running and highly successful platform used first for the Type 1 (Beetle, 1938-2003), the Cheetah was thought a way to wring one last drop from what had begun life in 1938 as an attempt by the Third Reich (1933-1945) to produce a "people's car".  Over the decades, the approach had yielded much success with the Beetle’s underpinnings yielding military applications and utility vehicles as well as the famous Type 2 (1949-1979, as Microbus, Kombi etc in a wide range of configurations and the lovely Karmann Ghia (in two series, Type 14: 1955–1974 & Type 34: 1961–1969) coupé and cabriolet.  Additionally, conventional (in the then current European style) coachwork had been used for the Type 3 models (1961-1973), built as two door sedans, (including a fastback) and station wagons, the market responding well to more spacious and modern bodies being placed atop the Beetle’s famously reliable and durable drive-train.

1980 Triumph TR8 (left) and Triumph Bullet design study (circa 1970, right).  The "wedge" design language is evident but the lines of the earlier Bullet design study  are even closer to those of the Cheetah; the Volkswagen didn't enter production but many wedges appeared in the 1970s & 1980s.  Like not a few ventures from the doomed British Leyland (1968-1986), as a successor to the highly regarded TR6 (1968-1976), the Triumph TR7 (1974-1972) should have been a success but corporate and governmental ineptitude saw it added to Leyland's large scrapheap.  The TR8 (1977-1982) transformed the TR7's dynamics by use of Rover's 3.5 litre (215 cubic inch) V8 but, as was emblematic of the corporation, just as the concept had been perfected, production ended.  There has been much analysis of the UK's motor industry in the 1970s and 1980s and while conditions (internal and external) often were "difficult", most published accounts conclude Leyland "deserved to fail".  

The idea of the Cheetah was a variation on the theme that had produced the Kombi, Karmann Ghia and such: a low-cost roadster suitable for mass production on existing assembly lines using a 1.6 litre version of the Beetle’s familiar flat-four engine, the power output of 50 HP judged “adequate” because of the light weight and slippery aerodynamics.  In a sign of the times, anticipating US regulations, not only were the front and rear sections designed to accommodate large bumpers but rather than a classic roadster, from Giorgetto Giugiaro's (b 1938) drawing board came a targa, the modernist wedge-shape then highly fashionable.  Because it was then anticipated the traditional convertible would in the US be outlawed, the there was a built-in roll-over bar, integrated into pillars designed to resemble a roadster’s detachable hardtop and the clever targa mechanism was the work of Karmann, the soft-top featuring a translucent sunroof panel above cockpit; it slid down the length of the top's sidebows, tucking neatly between the seats.  However, Volkswagen’s management were by the late 1960s not disconnected from reality and understood the days of mass-market machines with air-cooled rear-engines were coming to an end.  Although still a success, the writing was on the wall for the Beetle and the attempt to translate the concept into larger, four-door form had failed, the 411 (1968–1972) & 412 (1972–1974) ranges never coming close to meeting expectations.  By 1971, work was already advanced on what would be the template to carry the company into the next century (FWD (front wheel drive) with water cooled front-mounted engines) and that program would by 1974 begin to yield the new generations (Sirocco, Passat, Golf, Polo etc).

1972 publicity still for Fiat X1/9.  Because of the juxtaposition of (1) lime green paint and (2) a model in orange hot-pants, no knowledge of automotive history is required to date this photograph from the 1970s.

But the Cheetah seemed compelling because there was rear-engined, air-cooled hay to be made while the sun still shone and the formula (a small, economical, sports car able to be mass-produced at low cost by using components from high volume models) had long been a staple of the UK’s industry (MG, Triumph and Austin Healy all booking good profits through big export sales, especially to the lucrative US market.  On paper, the Cheetah thus made sense and although, (given the 50 HP) the name might have been at least optimistic, the Karmann Ghia sold well despite never having been a high performance car despite the glamorous lines (indeed, slightly heavier than a Beetle, acceleration suffered although the shape added a little to the modest top speed).  Anyway, the Triumph Spitfire’s pace hardly lived up to its illustrious name and the Cheetah was envisaged as something that would sell to those who valued the Beetle’s virtues (economy of operation, reliability, resale value) but would be drawn to its avant-garde looks; at a time when the phrase still could be used, it was a “lady’s car”.  As it was, the decision was taken not to proceed and not long after the debut in Geneva, the Cheetah faded into obscurity although Fiat would in 1972 release the similar-looking X1/9 using the same concept of parts-sharing although with contemporary engineering (water cooled, mid-engined, no swing axles) and it was a success, needing only minimal updates until production ended in 1989.  Volkswagen doubtlessly was right not to proceed with the Cheetah; the historic moment had passed.

Smokey Yunick: Cheating as an art  

Smokey Yunick’s 1966 Chevrolet Chevelle (1963-1977) #13 that some alleged was a 7:8 or 15:16 rendition, here aligned against a grid with a stock body.

In simpler, happier times, cheating could be an accepted part of the process and just something of a contest between poacher and gamekeeper.  In the 1960s, NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing) racing in the US was a battle between scrutineers amending their rule-book as cheating was detected and teams scanning the same regulations looking for loopholes and anomalies.  The past master at this cheating was Henry "Smokey" Yunick (1923–2001), a World War II (1939-1945) bomber pilot whose ever-fertile imagination seemed never to lack an imaginative venture aimed at securing some advantage while remaining compliant with the letter of the law (at least according to his interpretation).  His cheats were legion but probably the most celebrated (and there were some who thought this one legitimate) concerned his interpretation of the term “fuel tank capacity”.  NASCAR's rulebook specified the maximum quantity of fuel a tank could hold but said nothing about the steel fuel line running from tank to engine so Mr Yunick replaced the modest ½ inch (12.5 mm) tube with one 11 feet (3.6 m) long and two inches (50 mm) wide, holding a reputed 5 (US) gallons (19 litres) of gas (petrol).  That was his high-tech approach.  Earlier he’d put an inflated basketball into an oversized tank before the car was inspected by scrutineers: when they filled the tank, it would appear to conform to regulations; these days it’d be called “inflategate”.  After passing inspection, Mr Ynuick would deflate the ball, pull it out and top-up his oversized tank for the race.  Pointing out there was nothing in the rules about basketballs didn’t help him but did lead to the rule about a maximum “fuel tank capacity”, hence the later 11 foot-long fuel line.

NASCAR's letter of approval.

Mr Yunick’s 1966 Chevrolet Chevelle was different from the stock models but by the mid 1960s, all NASCAR’s "stock" cars were, the days long gone when what were raced were essentially "stripped-out versions of showroom-stock cars".  The difference certainly was perceptible to the naked eye and an urban legend arose it was a 7:8 (some said 15:16) scale version.  The body’s external dimensions were however those of a stock Chevelle although the body was moved back three inches for better weight distribution, the floor was raised with the underside smoothed to improve the aerodynamics, the same reason the bumpers were flush-fitted to the fenders.  The first car passed inspection (after making the modifications decreed by NASCAR) and took pole position at the 1967 Daytona 500.  He built another imaginative Chevelle for the 1968 race but it never made it past inspection.  In 1990, Smokey Yunick was inducted into the International Motorsports Hall of Fame, a recognition as richly deserved as it was overdue.

The speedy cheetah

Singer and dancer Josephine Baker (1906–1975) with Chiquita, her pet cheetah.

A true homophone of cheater, cheetah (the plural cheetahs) wholly is unrelated.  Cheetahs are large cats (Acinonyx jubatus) of south-western Asia and Africa, resembling a leopard but noted for certain dog-like characteristics which is why they’re sometimes been trained for hunting game (deer, antelope etc) and they have even occasionally been fully domesticated as pets; they're said to be "affectionate and protective but never fully house trained".  Dating from the early eighteenth century, cheetah was from the Hindi चीता (cītā (leopard, panther), from the Sanskrit citraka (leopard) & citrakāya (tiger) the construct being चित्र (citra) (multicoloured; speckled) + काय (kāya) (body, thus “beast with a spotted body”).  The Sanskrit citra was akin to the Old High German haitar (bright), the German heiter and the Old Norse heiðr (bright) and ultimately was from the primitive Indo-European kit-ro-, from the root skai- (to shine, gleam, be bright).  Kāya ultimately was from the primitive Indo-European kwei- (to build, make).  The now archaic alternative spellings were cheetah & cheetah and historically, the creatures were known also as the guepard, hunting cat or hunting leopard.  Understandably, given their size and predatory nature, it’s not uncommon for cheetahs to be referred to as “big cats” but in zoological taxonomy, felinologists restrict the “big cat” classification to the genus Panthera (lions, tigers, leopards, snow leopards & jaguars) and one defining feature of the Panthera cats is their ability to roar, made possible by a specific structure in their larynx.  Lacking the anatomical feature, cheetahs can purr, chirp & hiss but not roar.

A female cheetah at speed.

According to Dr Anne Marie Helmenstine, computer modelling suggests a cheetah should be able (briefly) to attain a speed of 75 mph (120 km/h) although its hunting technique is to maintain an average of 40 mph (65 km/h), sprinting to the maximum only when making a kill.  Cheetahs have been verified as attaining 60 mph (96.5 km/h) and if required, the quick cats can go from 0-60 mph in 3 seconds (three strides), putting them in the class of the quickest Lamborghinis, Ferraris and such but they're sprinters with little endurance, able to sustain top speed for little more than a quarter-mile (400 metres).  Like engineering, nature imposes trade-offs and although pronghorn antelopes have been recorded running at a slightly slower 55 mph (88 km/h), they're able to sustain that for around a half-mile (800 metres) although 40 mph (70 km/h) can be maintained for several miles and their "natural cruising speed" of 30 mph is possible for as much as 20 miles (32 km) depending on the terrain and weather conditions.  The speed and endurance differentials between cheetahs and antelopes explains why the cat's tactic is to get as close as possible before closing for a kill; if the prey is not caught within 300-400 metres, it'll likely escape although, in the wild, not every encounter is one-on-one; a antelope seeking to outrun one cheetah runs the risk of running into the path of another.

Easily, cheetahs can out-sprint humans, the men’s world record for the 100 metre dash standing a 9.58 seconds, compared with an eleven year-old cheetah (in captivity) clocked at 5.95 and her top speed of 61 mph (98 km/h) remaining the highest verified.  For now, the cats remain quicker than even robots, the record at the 2026 World Humanoid Robot Games in Beijing set at 9.39 seconds but while the cheetah probably has reached its evolutionary peak, humanoid robots are still (in evolutionary terms) in an early stage of development so one going quicker then 5.95 may be just a question of whether resources are devoted to the quest; it does seem more likely the CCP (Chinese Communist Party) will direct companies to focus instead on making humanoid robots more "useful" such as for military purposes (neutralizing other machines or killing people).  So for now the pace of the cheetah remains impressive but it's still not the fastest creature on the planet.  In the ocean, Black Marlin have been clocked at 82 mph (132 km/h) while sailfish can for periods swim at 70 mph 110 km/h.  Land and sea creatures are how ever slow compared with birds, the “calculated maximum theoretical speed” of the “ideal Peregrine Falcon” being between 250-388 mph (400-625 km/h) depending on altitude (and thus air density) and while many are sceptical about that, Guinness World Records has accepted the bird’s speed being recorded at 242 mph (389 km/h) in a dive.  Despite that, there are ornithologists who doubt such a velocity has been reached and claim a top speed around 150 mph (240 km/h) is likely more realistic.  Still, that makes them the fastest known animal in the universe.

The Bill Thomas Cheetah

Cheetah cutaway, published in Sports Car Graphics, November, 1963.  Not many front-engined cars had space sufficient to for a usefully-sized frunk.

A contemporary of the Shelby American AC Cobra (1962-1967) and very much in the same vein, the Cheetah (1963-1966) was designed and constructed by California-based race car builder Bill Thomas (1921-2009).  As part of his work as an engineering consultant, Mr Thomas undertook projects for GM (General Motors), his focus on the somewhat clandestine motorsport activities of its Chevrolet division and he parlayed this influence into securing corporate support for the concept that became the Cheetah.  The support was practical in that it yielded most of the mechanical components needed for a prototype including a Chevrolet Corvette's 327 cubic inch (5.3 litre) V8 engine, Muncie four-speed gearbox, independent rear suspension and a miscellany of stuff from the GM parts bin.  It was obviously the pre-CAD (computer-aided-design) era but Mr Thomas didn’t trouble himself with drawing boards or blueprints, instead laying out the drive-train components on the floor of his workshop in what seemed to his practiced eye an ideal arrangement and, with white chalk, he then sketched on the concrete the outline of the chassis frame members.  At that point, a draftsman (with tape measure) was brought in and blueprints were rendered; remarkably, Mr Thomas with great success for decades used this novel design technique (don't try this at home, it needs a gifted engineer).  Once the chassis dimensions were finalized, a body was designed and it’s important to note the project was initially envisaged only as a “concept car”, built for the purpose of impressing GM and thus securing further contracts.  So, conceived as something to be admired rather than used for any serious purpose, it was only as construction continued Mr Thomas sort of “fell in love” with his creation and decided to use it in competition, something to which its low weight and prodigious power should have made it well-suited.  However, the compromises in chassis design which mattered not at all for a concept car meant some structural rigidity had been sacrificed and that was a quality essential in race cars; later rectification work would be required.  The first two Cheetahs were fabricated in aluminum (later models used GRP (glass reinforced plastic, better known as fibreglass) and one was sent to the Chevrolet Engineering Center for testing and evaluation.

1964 Cheetah with clamshell hood open.

The layout was not so much radical as extreme, the conventional F/R (front engine-rear drive) approach taken to a kind of logical conclusion with the engine located so far back the driver’s legs were alongside the block.  In the same way the “mid-engine” configuration was being defined as “engine behind the driver and in front of the rear axle line”, the Cheetah’s variation was “engine in front of driver and behind the front axle line”, already familiar in race cars and in a handful of exotic machines but in the early 1960s still.  As well as offering most of the weight-distribution and handling advantages offered by a mid-engine, the Cheetah’s layout avoided the complication of a transaxle but the drawbacks included inefficiencies in packaging (ie a cramped cockpit) and extraordinary heat-soak, the latter a familiar issue in an era when small, low volume coupés were fitted with large displacement US V8 engines, the elegant AC 428 “Fura” (1965-1973) an exemplar of the phenomenon.  When the Cheetah was tested prior to being used on the track, it was found to be prone to over-heating, largely because the body had been designed to look decorative and no vents had been installed to extract hot air from under the long hood.  That was addressed by the use of a larger radiator and the addition of various vents & ducts, along with a full-length belly pan, meaning subsequent versions lacked the visual purity of the original, the effect not dissimilar to the way the addition of this and that to provide for heat management meant the production versions of the Lamborghini Countach (1974-1978) lacked the sleek starkness of the original prototype, first shown at the 1971 Geneva Motor Show (attracting rather more attention that that other prototype wedge, the Volkswagen Karmann Cheetah).  Still, compared with how subsequent versions of the Countach (1978-1990) would be adorned, the elegance of the early run 160-odd of the LP400 Periscopios remains compelling.

1964 Cheetah, note the cut-outs and vents, subsequent additions to handle the heat generation.  As might be guessed, AC (air conditioning) was not on the option list.

The Cheetah’s dubious structural rigidity was a result of the original chassis being merely a quickly-assembled platform on which the striking body could be mounted to be admired but it was marginal for use even as a road car, let alone one subjected to the stresses of competition; even before testing it was anticipated substantial changes would have to be made.  Because so little triangulation had been incorporated in the original build, the chassis was susceptible flex as the loads imposed by lateral forces increased as high-speed curves were negotiated, meaning the suspension geometry changed, challenging even skilled drivers accustomed to rigid frames that guaranteed the point at which characteristics became frightening was at least predictable.  Additionally, for the testing, the Cheetah was provided with more power (perhaps not the car's most most obvious need) which exacerbated the alarming tendencies, including the rear suspension’s trailing arms bending, slighting altering (sometimes while at high speed!) the location of the wheels.  Adding gusseting and triangulation to the frame and redesigning the trailing arms ameliorated the worst of the characteristics but some vices were inherent in DNA so subsequently, some owners of Cheetahs, seduced by its many virtues, undertook what was essentially a re-engineering of the underpinnings; most of the many replicas and "continuation" editions differ significantly from the originals.  So it was flawed but it was an age of charismatic, imperfect machines and whatever the quirks, the Cheetah was powerful, light and clearly aerodynamic for in a straight line, few could match its pace; the name was chosen for a reason.

Unfortunately, the early 1960s were the end of an era in sports car racing because in addition to the regulatory body (the FIA (Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (the International Automobile Federation) already on its descent to becoming world sport's dopiest regulatory body) changing the rules for the class for which the Cheetah was intended so that 1,000 rather than 100 would be required for homologation, in the top flight, the days of the classic front-engined roadsters and coupes in top-line competition were nearly done and the future lay with the rear-mid configuration.  Given all that, Chevrolet withdrew its support although small-scale production continued and some two-dozen were constructed before the last was built in 1965.  The survivors are now high-priced collectables and there have been dozens of replicas although in the twenty-first century, this cottage industry was stalled by a dispute over ownership to the intellectual property associated with the design.  Predictably, although the Cheetah wasn’t obviously a car in need of more power, some owners of the replicas have (commendably) concluded exactly that and fitted a variety of engines including big-block V8s while others have added forced aspiration (turbochargers or superchargers).  Fundamentally, what this approach meant was the “handle with care” injunction wisely applied to the original remained; just more so.

1929 Mercedes-Benz SSK (left) and 1964 Cheetah (right)

The distinctive lines of the Cheetah, its driver sitting over the rear wheels behind a long nose, recalled the pre-war roadsters that provided the model for most of the era’s grand prix cars, the motif lasting into 1960 when (in the unusual circumstances prevailing for Italian Grand Prix at Monza), a Ferrari secured one last win for the front-engined anachronisms.  The Mercedes-Benz SSKs (W06, 1928-1932) & SSKLs (WS06RS, 1931) were classic examples and among the last of the road cars able to win top-flight grand prix events.  The red example (above left) is a 1929 model SSK (one of 33 built) and although the hue is untypical of the breed, in fashion and on the highways, the interwar (1919-1939) years were more colourful that the impression left by the volume of monochrome and sepia images making up so much of the photographic record.  Interestingly, although Mercedes-Benz race cars are much associated with white (the racing color originally allocated to Germany) and silver (adopted by the factory racing team in the 1930s although in not quite the circumstances once claimed) there was a precedent for the use of red because that was the paint applied to the Mercedes Tipo Indy 2.0 used to win the 1924 Targa Florio (setting a race-record time which would stand for a decade), chosen because of the habit of the Sicilian crowds to pelt with rocks any car not painted in Italian Racing Red.  Not since 1920 had a non-Italian car won so it was a wise precaution.

1969 Pontiac Grand Prix Model J.  The name was opportunistic, the big Pontiac having as much in common with a grand prix as the Volkswagen Karmann Cheetah had with speed.

Such is the appeal to stylists of the “long nose” that over the years many have ignored the packaging inefficiencies its use imposes.  It was one of the most commented-upon aspects of the Jaguar E-type (1961-1974) and probably it’s rare for an analysis of that shape to have been written without the word “phallic” appearing at least once.  Even when the effect is not so exaggerated it can be effective, the third generation Pontiac Grand Prix (1969-1972) the last of the memorable designs to emerge from the golden years of GM’s PMD (Pontiac Motor Division) during the 1960s.  Intended to be evocative of the aspect ratios of machines such as the big Duesenbergs of inter-war years, PMD even purloined the “J” & “SJ” designations although with its apple-green straight-8 engines a Duesenberg really did need a long nose; under the hood of the exclusively V8-powered Grand Prix, there was much empty space.

Sublime to ridiculous 

Modified 1973 Volkswagen 1303 Super Beetle.

Nor was it just manufacturers with a fondness for the style.  In Canada, somebody with the requisite skills decided the “Cheetah look” was what a 1973 Volkswagen Super Beetle really needed and while it’s obvious the body extensively has been modified, the distorted dimensions are deceptive because the (presumably unique) project sits on an unmodified chassis, the wheelbase unchanged.  Unfortunately or not, the opportunity was not taken to install up front a straight-8 or V16, the car still running the modest, rear-mounted, 1.6 litre (97 cubic inch) flat-4 fitted by the factory (ie underneath, it's the same specification as the abortive Karmann Cheetah prototype).  As well as the curved windscreen, the 1303 featured the 1302’s improved front suspension (an enhancement one tester claimed made it faster point-to-point than a 1963 Porsche 356), the design of which allowed the capacity of the frunk to be increased and this one will be more capacious still; given it’s now a two seater, luggage capacity should be adequate although the front bucket seats have been replaced with a full-width bench so three adults could be accommodated, BMIs (body mass index) and a willingness to rub shoulders permitting.  Because it’s on the same wheelbase, any increase in weight should be minimal and the handling (anyway improved by the revised suspension) presumably will be affected (for better or worse) only by the change in weight distribution.  That said, given the thing is now more tail-heavy, the Beetle's inherent tendency to oversteer (somewhat tamed by 1973) might be more apparent but with the power available, even if it behaves something like an early Porsche 930, should a situation drama occur, probably it'll be at a lower speed.

Ridiculous to absurd     

1980 Cadillac Eldorado “Valentino” by the unimaginatively named Conversions Incorporated, a Michigan-based customizing house (left) and 1981 Cadillac Eldorado "Regal Coach" by Florida's International Coach Works Company, a selling point the Rolls-Royceish “flying lady” hood ornament, said to make it a “real head turner” (right).  Heads can of course turn for reasons good and bad.

In the sometimes weird world that was the ecosystem of modified PLCs (personal luxury coupe) in the US of the 1970s and 1980s, the “long nose” style didn't exist in isolation.  It was one of a number of design elements part of the “neo-classical” movement that included also side-exit, flexible exhaust pipes (referencing the often supercharged pre-war machines (a la the Mercedes-Benz SSK but by the 1970s almost always fake), upright chrome-plated grills (Rolls-Royce the preferred inspiration), T-roof assemblies (a modern take on the old sedanca de ville coach-work), fake wire wheels and external spare tyres, the rear one in a "Continental kit" (a look that to this day refuses to die), the fender-mounted pair taking advantage of the eighteen-odd inches (460 mm) spliced between A-pillar and front wheel.  The spares used the space where sometimes sat the external exhaust pipes so it was a choice to be made by customers although some builders just left the expanse of sheet metal, emphasizing the elongation.  For all its foibles, the US is one of the most remarkable nations ever created and, having the the previous quarter century mastered nuclear fission & fusion, produced the Bill Thomas Cheetah and sent a dozen men to walk on the Moon, other Americans turned to doing this to Cadillac Eldorados.  It's a cliché to say "American has the best of everything and the worst of everything" but the phrase endures for good reason. 

Phaeton

Phaeton (pronounced feyt-n (U) or fey-i-tn (non-U))

(1) Any of various light, four-wheeled carriages, originally without folding tops, having one or two seats facing forward, used first in the nineteenth century.  In describing horse-drawn carriages, phaeton was later used to describe many with convertible tops (originally often as spider (or spyder) phaeton).

(2) An early-mid twentieth century touring-car with four or more seats and (later) sometimes with removable side-windows and a convertible top; some with dual-cowl coachwork.

(3) A model name for automobiles which came to mean nothing in particular beyond a hint at "more expensive".

1585-1595: 1742: From the (1735) French phaeton, from the Latin Phaëtōn, from the Ancient Greek Φᾰέθων (Phaéthōn).  Phaëthon, the son of Clymene and the sun god Helios, gained permission (from whom was contested) to drive his father's sun-chariot but, being unable to control the horses, was struck by Zeus with a thunderbolt and slain after nearly setting on fire the whole Earth.  His name translated as “shining” and was from phaein & the verb phaethô (to shine, to make gleam), from phaos (light), from the primitive Indo-European root bha- (to shine).   Even before the carriages were so named, phaeton (the spellings varied) was used to describe someone who recklessly handled horses and carts or carriages.  The alternative spellings were Phaethon, Phaéthôn, Phaëton, Phaeton, Phæton & Phaëthon.  The adjectives phaetonlike & phateonesque are non-standards but have been used by historians of the industry to describe the coachwork of vehicles (built usually in the 1930s) with characteristics straddling those of phaetons and convertible sedans without being a "pure" implementation of either.  Phaeton & phaetoneer are nouns; the noun plural is phaetons.

Phaethon (1878), watercolor & pencil in the symbolist tradition by Gustave Moreau (1826-1898), Musée du Louvre, Paris.

The myth from antiquity was a cautionary tale about the impetuosity of adolescent youth but, being from Greek mythology, there’s more than one account of Phaëthon and the story of his fall was told with two distinct traditions concerning his genealogy, one making him the son of Eos and Cephalus, the other of Helios and Clymene.  In the second and most popular version, Phaethon was raised by his mother, who, until he reached adolescence, concealed from the boy his father's identity.  Impressed by his illustrious lineage but also seeking acknowledgement of his status as a child of a god, Phaethon asked his father to allow him drive the sun-chariot (somewhat akin to handing one’s sixteen year-old son the keys to one’s V12 Ferrari).  Duly granted, Phaethon began the journey by following his father’s usual route across the vaults of heaven but, inexperienced, became alarmed a finding himself so high in the sky, the sights of the animals in the starts (the signs of the Zodiac) becoming too frightening so he deviated from the eternally ordained path.  In panic, he dropped too low, scorching the once fertile plains of Africa to desert and risking setting alight the whole of Earth.  Out of control, he again soared too high, prompting the stars to complain to Zeus.  Appalled, to prevent a global conflagration, Zeus smote the boy with his thunderbolt, hurling him dead into the River Eridanus where the Heliades (his five sisters) paid him funeral honours.  A variant on the tale is the Heliades (Merope, Helia, Phoebe, Aetheria & Dioxippe (or Lampetia)), lamenting his death, wept for him on the banks of the Eridanus where they were transformed into tall poplars, their tears becoming drops of amber.  That may, given the circumstances, seem harsh but in that version it was said their arboreal metamorphosis was a punishment because it was they who had given Phaethon the chariot and horses of the Sun without the permission of Helios.  While the myths of Antiquity often were unforgiving, that twist in the tale has attracted latter-day feminist criticism because it’s part of the “blame women” narrative that, for several thousand years, permeated Western literature, “poisoning” politics and culture.  In death, Phaethon was placed amongst the stars as the constellation Auriga (the Charioteer) or transformed into the god of the star that the Greeks named Phaethon (the planets Jupiter or Saturn depending on the translation).

1932 Cadillac V16 Special Phaeton with (V12) coach-work by Fisher.

Phaetons were a type of type of light, open four-wheeled horse carriage, English in 1742 picking up the word from the French form, coined in 1735, the link being the exposure of the passengers to the sun and until well into the modern age, they remained popular, despite the availability of carriages with partially or fully enclosed coach-work.  Indeed, even if not so named, phaetons were the most common form in the early age of the automobile, some supplied with no folding top, some with one and removable side windows also appeared, something supplied by the manufacturer, sometimes by third-party "accessory shops", an industry that for decades flourished and, in rather different form, exists to this day.  As enclosed coachwork and integrated (retractable) side windows became close to standardized, phaetons were by the 1930s close to extinct and the companion four-door convertibles would soon follow, becoming a niche last filled in 1967 when the last convertible version of the memorable fourth series Lincoln Continentals (1961-1969) left the line, a model that would prove to be the last convertible ever built by Lincoln.  The core element of the phaeton (no side windows) lived on the (most British) roadsters of the post-war years although by the early 1960s most of them had gained effete luxuries like external door handles and windows able to be wound down (although other primitive features would endure), all supplied with at least a folding soft-top and often a rigid hard-top (in metal or fibreglass) too.  Since the Shelby American Cobra was in 1967 driven extinct by the beginning of what proved an onslaught of US safety and exhaust emission regulations, only a handful of small-scale manufactures have produced the traditional, minimalist roadsters and none have put phaetons into production, there being some demand for the former, none for the latter.

The Dual-Cowl Phaetons

1935 Packard Twelve dual-cowl Sport Phaeton with coach-work by Dietrich (left) and 1935 Duesenberg SJ dual-cowl Phaeton with coach-work by La Grande.  The unusual, rakish line of the Duesenberg's convertible top exists because in 1937, Rollston Coachworks (New York) was commissioned to fit the rare option of a fixed vee-windshield, a visual and aerodynamic enhancement from a time before curved-glass screens became practical.

Among the grandest and most romantic of the pre-war phaetons were the dual-cowl convertibles (ie a second windscreen was fitted for the rear seat passengers, doubtless an addition deemed "thoughtful" by women with "big hair") of the 1930s although, being very expensive in a time of what was for much of the population a time of austerity, few were built, the rich often reluctant to consume too conspicuously (though, behind closed doors, the extravagances continued).  Unlike the original horse-drawn carriages from which the name was appropriated, the cars so-described usually had a folding roof and either removable side windows (usually then called "side-curtains") or even glass able to be rolled-down.  Purists of course insist any "true" phaeton has no side windows, nor any roof (rigid or folding) but those were only ever conventions and not always adhered to even during the horse & buggy era.

1929 Duesenberg Model SJ Sweep-Panel Dual-Cowl Phaeton by LeBaron.  If ever the coffee-table book “Great Moments in Exhaust Systems” is published, Duesenberg's 8-branch Momel manifold should be the cover shot.  An alloy substantially of nickel & copper, although expensive, Monel is used in specialized applications because of the high resistance to corrosion and the ease with which shapes can be fabricated using conventional tools.  Unfortunately, the Duesenberg's 8-branch Momel manifold was found to be prone to cracking and was replaced with other designs, the best known the four exposed conduits in bright, flexible steel.

In the age of the automobile, everything became elastic and "phaeton" became just another model name to be used as a manufacturer saw fit.  In an early example of this linguistic promiscuity, by the 1930s Buick was selling what would now be though a "four-door convertible" (with integrated winding windows) yet continued to use the phaeton label.  By then, the design parameters of the old designations from the days of horse-drawn carriages had long become "frayed around the edges" and whether modest Fords or the big dual-cowl Duesenbergs, Chryslers, Lincolns, Cadillacs and Packards, all were marketed as "phaetons" although the use of tops and side windows could vary.  In the post-war years, the four-door hardtop really was the the spiritual successor (in the sense of market place positioning) of the inter-war phaeton as rapidly the four-door convertibles faded from the scene; by the late 1970s, the four-door hardtops too would go extinct except for the odd example in the quirky world of the JDM (Japanese Domestic Market).  Today, like landau, phaeton is just a name which means nothing in particular although many seem aware both are evocative of something from the past.  In recent decades, there have been many off-road and utilitarian vehicles which, technically, are phaeton-like but they're hardly in the spirit of the machines of the 1930s.  

Parade Phaetons

Before there was crooked Hillary (Hillary Clinton (b 1947; US secretary of state 2009-2013)), there was tricky Dicky.  Vice-President Richard Nixon (1913-1994; VPOTUS 1953-1961 & POTUS 1969-1974) at President Dwight Eisenhower's (1890-1969; POTUS 1953-1961) second Inaugural Parade, 21 January 1957 in 1952 Chrysler lmperial dual-cowl Parade Phaeton (one of three built).

Although "true" phaetons in the traditional sense, the name of Chrysler's 1952 parade cars delights obsessives in the collector-car community because of the corporate history.  Introduced in 1926, the Chrysler Imperial sat atop the company's brand hierarchy until 1954 when Imperial was (re-)launched as a standalone brand, the an arrangement lasting until 1975 (although even by 1972 the Chrysler name had crept back somewhat and the half-hearted revivals in 1981-1983 & 1990-1993 are not fondly remembered).  The 1952 parade phaetons thus properly are designated "Chrysler Imperials" although, being updated by the factory in 1955 with much of the sheet-metal and other fixtures from the 1956 Imperial, they resemble the latter and are sometimes erroneously so described.  So, although the appearance would suggest "Imperial", pedants gleefully will correct that to "Chrysler Imperial".

In happier times: Wedding procession of the ex-Duke & Duchess of York, traveling in the 1902 State Landau Carriage, London, 1986.

What the parade phaetons were intended to be were motorized versions of the "state landaus" now most familiar from footage of princes (and one ex-prince) of the UK's royal family getting married (at least to their first wife).  The best-known is the 1902-vintage "State Landau Carriage", seen of late in the wedding processions of (1) the then Prince of Wales (now King Charles (b 1948, King of the UK since 2022)) to Lady Diana Spencer (1961-1997) on 29 July, 1981 (2), the then Prince Andrew (now the ex-Prince, ex-Admiral, ex-Duke of York etc Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor (b 1960)) to Sarah Ferguson (b 1959) on 23 July, 1986 and (3) Prince William (b 1982 and since 2022 the Prince of Wales) to Catherine Middleton (b 1982) on 29 April 2011.  The State Landau Carriage had been built in 1902 by Messrs Hooper for the coronation procession (9 August, 1902) through London of of Edward VII (1841–1910; King of the UK & Emperor of India 1901-1910) and it's since been a central feature in much of the panoply assembled for "royal family set pieces", many of which are spectacles of most recent origin, created for the family's new role as content providers for mass media (color television probably the platform most influencing this latter-day choreography of spectacle).  Some of the royal marriages of those who sat in the carriage to and from the church where they promised state and God to remain together till death do them part didn't end well but, clearly not superstitious, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ("Will & Kate" to readers of the Daily Mail) choose the 1902 Landau although Prince Harry (b 1984) and Meghan Markle (b 1981) decided not to risk the curse, riding instead in one of the five Ascot landaus in the Royal Mews.  Like phaeton, "landau" is a word that in earlier centuries once had a precise meaning when appearing in a coach-builder's catalogue but is now is just another model name. 

Chrysler Newport dual-cowl Phaeton by LeBaron (six of which were built in 1940-1941, left), 1952 Chrysler Imperial dual-cowl Phaeton (one of three, centre) & 1997 Chrysler dual-cowl Phaeton concept car (a genuine one-off, right).

Recalling the 1940 Chrysler Newport, the three dual-cowl parade phaetons were built on the chassis of the 1952 Chrysler Imperial Crown Limousine with the wheelbase extended by 3 inches (75 mm) to 147½ (3,746)).  All were constructed for ceremonial use by the US government and the municipal corporations of New York City and Los Angeles and they still make the odd appearance.  Obviously, a dual-cowl parade phaeton is a niche commodity and the three were thought the last of the breed but, in 1997, unexpectedly, Chrysler displayed a concept car in the same vein.  While obviously not intended for production, it did include an intoxicatingly attractive specification including a bespoke 48 valve, 333 cubic-inch (5.4 litre) V12 engine rated at 425 HP (horsepower).  With 5.4 litres and 425 horsepower (referencing respectively the 331 cubic inch V8 in the 1952 cars and the (understated) power output of the corporation's 426 Street Hemi V8 (1966-1971)) both being iconic numbers from Chrysler's happier past, the nostalgia button was pressed but the styling was something of a curate's egg.  While judged mostly an accomplished exercise, the front divided opinion; one could see what the designers were getting at but, to blend elements from both 1940 and 1955 may have been "a pastiche too far" and the thing may have been more admired still had the lines of 1955 front clip more slavishly been followed, the approach the Chinese manufacturer Honqqi wisely pursues for its "retro" exercises.     

Comrade Stalin's 1936 Packard Standard Eight Phaeton.  The Kremlin's "state parade car", it wasn't used during Moscow's colder months.

With roots in the nineteenth century, Packard had been one of the US industry's most storied names and, during the inter-war years (1919-1941), was among the most prestigious brands in the nation.  According to Ferrari folklore, it had been the sound of Packard V12s on race tracks that inspired Enzo Ferrari (1989-1988) to decide the machines to bear his name must “canta la canzone dei dodici” (sing the song of twelve) although, like Winston Churchill (1875-1965; UK prime-minister 1940-1945 & 1951-1955), many sometimes dubious quotes have been attributed to il Commendatore (his apparently envious quip about the Jaguar E-Type (XKE, 1961-1974) the best known) but all at least sound like something “he might have said” and, for folkloric purposes, that’s good enough.  What is uncontested was his remark “Una Ferrari è una macchina a dodici cilindri” (a Ferrari is a twelve cylinder car), explaining why the 206 GT (1967-1969) was a “Dino” and not a “Ferrari”.  Clearly that applied only to the road cars because, on the track, the factory had enjoyed great success in the 1950s & 1960s using four, six & eight cylinder engines but reality anyway bit in the more troubled 1970s and Ferrari V8s became (by the factory’s historic standards), “mass-market” road cars.

A 1936 Packard Standard Eight Phaeton was for years the designated “parade car” in the Kremlin garage but, as tensions rose in the Soviet Union, comrade Stalin (1878-1953; Soviet leader 1924-1953) became more security conscious, ceasing to ride in open-topped vehicles, preferring the armored Packard Twelve limousine gifted to him by Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR, 1882–1945, POTUS 1933-1945).  Despite weighing some six tons (one door alone a hefty 348 kg (767 lb)), the 473 cubic in (7.8 litre) V12 was able to propel the car (despite its suspect aerodynamic qualities) to a reputed top speed of 130 km/h (80 mph); at that pace the gas (petrol) consumption would have been “heroic” (likely mid-single figures in mpg (miles per gallon) terms) but high fuel bills didn’t greatly trouble the comrades in the Politburo.  The fine engineering in the Kremlin’s fleet of Packards proved useful in the early years of the Cold War, the ZiS 110 sedan (1946-1958) & ZiS-115 limousine (1948-1949) (the brand better known in the West as “Zil”) both “reversed-engineered” (ie copied) versions of the 1942 Packard.  Reverse-engineering was a notable feature of Soviet industry and much of its post-war re-building of machinery for the armed forces involved the process, exemplified by the Tupolev Tu-4 heavy bomber (1947), a remarkably close copy of the US Boeing B-29 Superfortress (1942), a reasonably achievement given some of the advanced metallurgical techniques then available on to the Americans.

End of the line: the gape-mouthed 1958 Packard Hawk, one of the so-called "Packardbakers".  Of the final 2,622 Packards made in 1958, 588 were Hawks.

Other countries also adopted the practice that, in some places, continues to this day for both consumer goods and military equipment.  After spending the war years engaged in military production (notably a version of the Merlin V12 aero-engine built under license from Rolls-Royce), Packard emerged in 1945 in sound financial state but found the new world challenging, eventually in 1953 merging with fellow struggling independent, Studebaker.  Beset form the start by internal conflict, things went from bad to worse and, after dismal sales in 1958-1959 of the final Packards (which were really modified Studebakers and derided by many as “Packardbakers”), the Packard brand was retired, the Studebaker-Packard Corporation in 1962 reverting to again become Studebaker but it was to no avail, the last Studebaker leaving the line (in Canada!) in 1967.

For both, it had been a rapid and precipitous decline from great success, one notable product of Studebaker being the 152,000-odd US6 trucks supplied by the US to the Soviet Union under the wartime “lend-lease” arrangements, comrade Stalin during the Tehran Conference (Nov-Dec 1943) raising a toast and freely admitting “Without the machines we received through Lend-Lease, we would have lost the war.”.  Unfortunately, the still sometimes quoted tale that comrade Stalin sent a personal “thank-you letter” to the Studebaker Corporation appears wholly apocryphal.  According to the Studebaker National Museum, an official “letter of appreciation” from the Soviet government was received through “normal diplomatic channels” but it neither mentioned comrade Stalin nor bore his signature.  The rugged US6 (nicknamed Studer by Red Army troops who much appreciated its durability and ability to handle the mud and snow so often a feature of the Eastern Front) appears often in the conflict’s photographic record because it was the platform used to mount the famous Katyusha rocket launchers (a weapon nicknamed “Stalin’s Organs” because of the distinctive sound made when being fired in multiple salvos).  In the post-war years, the WS6 was also reverse-engineered, influencing several generations of Soviet truck design, a breed admired more for toughness than aesthetics.

FDR & Ford

1937 Ford V8 Phaeton

As the American car buyer came to prefer the creature comforts offered by closed coupés & sedans or convertibles (with "proper", wind-down glass windows), sales of the more basically configured roadsters and phaetons began in the 1930s rapidly to decline.  In small numbers, the exotic dual cowl phaetons continued to appeal to those who wanted something extravagant in which to be chauffeured on warm, sunny days but for those for whom economics dictated ownership of a single vehicle, the attractions of protection from the elements was persuasive, especially in a northern winter.  Surprisingly, it was Ford, a pioneer (if not the originator) in the techniques of mass-production and the optimization of economies of scale that, despite the line's shrinking profitability, kept the roadster and phaeton on the books longer than most, their last roadster built in 1937 and the final phaeton the following year although production in 1938 ran to a mere 1169 cars, little more than an administrative inconvenience for a company used to measuring unit-production in chunks of tens of thousands.  When the Ford line was updated for 1939, the phaeton was deleted from the catalogue.

FDR and two presidential advisors (his granddaughters) in his 1936 Ford V8 Phaeton (one of 13 body-styles Ford that year made available for the V8), supervising the construction of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Presidential Library and Museum (dedicated 1941), Hyde Park, New York (left) and FDR in Phaeton with signature (Cocktail length) cigarette holder (right).

Now on permanent display in the museum (the odometer reading 19,143 miles (30,808 km), the New York license plate was “3” with the governor allocated “1” and the lieutenant governor “2” (that hierarchy reflecting late eighteenth century political thought in the states, a view that would decline in significance after the US Civil War (1861-1865)).  Afflicted at 39 by polio that left him paralyzed from the waist down, FDR’s cars were fitted with hand controls for the throttle, brakes & clutch, a cigarette dispenser always included as was a customized clip for his cigarette holder.  By social convention, in the US, men rarely used a cigarette holder longer than 4 inches (100 mm) although there were longer varieties and the “Opera length” was a favorite of Vogue’s editors who liked to have a slender model photographed elegantly holding one at a time when smoking was both “sexy” and “fashionable”.  The “Operas” typically were between 16-20 inches (400-200 mm) while more conveniently-sized versions included the “Theatre length” (10-14 (250-350)), “Dinner length” (4-6 (100-150)) and “Cocktail length” (1-3 (25-75).

The Art Deco Society of New York's lovey art deco examples of the sort of cigarette case and holders that should have been in the handbag of the modern young woman.

It’s an urban myth Vogue ever recommended that if wearing something “sleeveless”, women’s choice of cigarette holder should be in inverse proportion to their gloves' length (ie an Opera thus be paired with a “Short” or “Wrist”, a Theatre with an “Above Wrist” or “Three Quarter”, a Dinner with a “Below Elbow or “Elbow” and a Cocktail with a “Upper Arm”, “Underarm” or “Maxi”).  That might sound counterintuitive but it was claimed the goal was for the holder to be "in accord" with the expanse of skin on display, not the material of the glove.  It was fake news but appears sometimes still, along with claims there were in polite society “strict” rules of etiquette about such things.  There was a widely adopted convention under which women removed their gloves before smoking, eating or drinking but that was just good sense and glove length was anyway dictated by the time of day or nature of the event to which a pair was worn.  Vogue did however confirm a cigarette holder was “an essential accessory for any fashionable woman” but was most focused more on the materials used in construction, a 1930 article listing what a “smart woman” should keep in her handbag, recommending “a black enamel cigarette holder in a small eggshell case by Dunhill (for day) and a Cartier gold and tortoiseshell cigarette holder (for evening; other “handbag essentials” included “a tortoiseshell comb, a bill clip, a vanity case, a cigarette case and other “examples of charm and good taste.”  It’s little wonder Vogue came to be called the “fashion bible” although in the modern era not all followed all the advice; as far as is known, Lindsay Lohan has never been photographed using a cigarette holder or carrying a cigarette case and although smoking can't be recommended, she did make it look alluring.

2004 Volkswagen Phaeton W12.  Well-built, dynamically more than competent with great attention to detail (the trunk (boot) lid's hinges pieces of mechanical artistry) but, even by the slight standards of the market segment, the depreciation rate was extraordinary.

A Volkswagen that should have been an Audi or (not inconceivable, even then) a Lamborghini (both brands part of the VW conglomerate), the Volkswagen Phaeton was produced between 2002-2016 as a four-door sedan in a standard and LWB (long-wheelbase configurations), the Phaeton name nothing to do with the traditional definition and chosen presumably because it was thought to impart some vague notion of exclusivity and wealth.  The name may have come from focus group sessions or have been MBA (Master of Business Administration) marketing-think but, in retrospect, naming it after a figure from Greek mythology who "crashed & burned" was perhaps tempting the gods of fate.  Because cars now mostly "look alike" (everybody's shapes now emerge from a wind-tunnel looking much the same), it's no longer as easy to fashion "brand identity" with appearance so the choice of name can help and what the company was at the time attempting to do was make people perceive Volkswagen as a true "luxury brand", the "modest success" (ie failure) enjoyed when the W8 engine was between 2001-2004 offered at high-price in the smaller VW Passat seemingly not a sufficiently salutatory lesson.  Volkswagen would once have had a solid base from which to "mover up-market because the Beetle (Type 1, 1938-2003), despite being a "low-priced" car, gained an admirable reputation for quality; inside, if felt as if forged from a billet of steel.  Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and after 1974, when the company's shift to the flimsier world of FWD (front-wheel-drive) began in earnest, that reputation suffered; in a sense, the "Phaeton project" began a quarter century too late.  Why the MBAs didn’t take note of why Toyota created Lexus (so they would have their own "Audi") isn’t clear but they may have been the same folk who couldn’t understand the Maybach name made sense positioned below Mercedes-Benz, not above.  The principles used in the washing powder business or other sectors in which the MBAs have done good work are not universally transferable.

Mercedes-Benz 600 (W100, 1963-1981) Landaulet and two (SWB) sedans.

The 1970 Pullman Landaulet (one of twelve known informally as the "presidential" because the folding portion of the roof extended to the driver's compartment, the other 58 Landaulets having a convertible top only over the rear seat) was purchased by the Romanian government and used by comrade president Nicolae Ceaușescu (1918–1989; General Secretary of the Romanian Communist Party 1965-1989) until he and his wife were executed (by AK47) after a “people's tribunal” held a brief trial, the swiftness of which was aided by the court-appointed defense counsel who declared them both guilty, inter alia, of genocide.   Considering the fate of other fallen dictators, their end was less gruesome than might have been expected.  Comrade Josip Broz Tito (1892–1980; prime-minister or president of Yugoslavia 1944-1980) had a similar car (among other 600s) but he died undisturbed in his bed.

The blue SWB (short wheelbase) car to the rear is one of the few SWB models fitted with a divider between the front & rear compartments, the structure including a pair of hand-crafted timber writing tables and a refrigerated bar in the centre.  It was delivered in 1977 to the Iranian diplomatic service and maintained for the Shah’s use.  The 1969 SWB to the right (identified as a US market car by the disfiguring headlight treatment) had a less eventful past, purchased by a California real estate developer who took advantage of the Mercedes-Benz EDP (European Delivery Program, discontinued in 2020 after some 60 years), collecting the 600 from the Stuttgart factory.  With due respect to Californian property developers (and Paul VI (1897-1978; pope 1963-1978) who had a very special one), more than any other car the 600 seemed to attract dictators, leading drug dealers, megalomaniacs and those with dubious past or present (many owing several), the roll-call including:

Park Chung Hee (1917–1979; President of RoK (Republic of Korea (South Korea)) 1962-1979).

Comrade Enver Hoxha (1908-1985; dictator of Albanian 1944-1985) who was more of a Stalinist than comrade Stalin.

Pol Pot (Saloth Sâr; 1925–1998; dictator of the communist (Maoist) state of Democratic Kampuchea (Cambodia) 1975-1979).

François "Papa Doc" Duvalier (1907–1971; President of Haiti 1957-1971).

Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier (1951–2014; President of Haiti 1971-1986) who would have been a disappointment to his father.

Jean-Bédel Bokassa (1921–1996; President or Emperor of the CAR (Central African Republic) 1966-1979) who was never convicted of cannibalism.

Comrade Leonid Brezhnev (1906–1982; Soviet leader 1964-1982) who was fond of cars but an appallingly bad driver.

Comrade Fidel Castro (1926–2016; Prime Minister or President of Cuba 1959-2008).

Robert Mugabe (1924–2019; Prime Minister or President of Zimbabwe 1980-2017) who started off well.

Hirohita (Emperor Shōwa) 1901–1989; Emperor of Japan 1926-1989), the last of the World War II leaders and the one who worked out (after the dropping of two A-bombs) that "...the war situation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage".   

Jomo Kenyatta (circa 1897–1978; Prime Minister (1963-1964) & president of Kenya (1964-1978).

Daniel arap Moi (1924–2020; President of Kenya 1978-2002).

Ferdinand Marcos (1917–1989; President of the Philippines 1965-1986), now most famous for his wife having owned thousands of pairs of shoes. 

Kim Il Sung (Kim I, 1912–1994; Great Leader of DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea)) 1948-1994).

Kim Jong Il (Kim II, 1941-2011; Dear Leader of DPRK 1994-2011).

Kim Jong Un (Kim III, b 1982; Supreme Leader of DPRK since 2011 and thus far the dynasty's most entertaining content provider).

Saddam Hussein (1937–2006; President of Iraq 1979-2003).

Mohammad Reza Pahlavi (1919–1980; last Shah of Iran 1941-1979).

Comrade Chairman Mao Zedong (1893–1976; Chairman of the CCP (Chinese Communist Party) & paramount leader of the PRC (People's Republic of China) 1949-1976).

Comrade Deng Xiaoping (1904–1997; paramount leader of the PRC (People's Republic of China) 1978-1989).

Norodom Sihanouk (1922–2012; variously, off and on, King, head of state or Prime Minister of Cambodia 1941-2012) for whom the word "mercurial" might have been coined. 

Comrade Nicolae Ceaușescu (1918–1989; General Secretary of the Romanian Communist Party and dictator of Romania 1965-1989) who got the wife he deserved.

Comrade Josip Broz Tito (1892–1980; Prime Minister or President of Yugoslavia 1944-1980) who once threatened to send an assassin to kill comrade Stalin if the Soviet leader sent any more to Belgrade to murder him.  

His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, (1928-2003; president of Uganda 1971-1979).  He also claimed the allegedly vacant throne of Scotland 

Mobutu Sese Seko (1930–1997; President of the of the DRC (Democratic Republic of the Congo) 1965-1971 and the (renamed) Zaire 1971-1997) for whom the political technique "Mobutoism" (a blend of crony capitalism, repression, murder and looting the state on such a scale was coined, "kleptocracy" not an adequate description. 

Herbert von Karajan (1908–1989; Austrian conductor who was only ever a "Nazi of convenience).

Coco Chanel, (1883-1971; French fashion designer forgiven for her indiscretions).

Hastings Banda (circa 1900-1997; Prime Minister or President of 1964-1994) who wasn't quite as bad as some.

Hosni Mubarak (1928–2020; President of Egypt 1981-2011) who sometimes shouted at Bill Clinton (b 1946; POTUS 1993-2001).

Balthazar Johannes "John" Vorster (1915–1983 Prime Minister (1966-1978) and President of South Africa 1978-1979).

Pieter Willem "P.W." Botha (1916–2006 Prime Minister (1978-1984) and President of South Africa 1984-1989).

Frederik Willem "F.W." de Klerk (1936–2021; President of South Africa 1989-1994) who found the state's 600 Pullman "embarrassingly large and otherwise excessive" and had it locked away in a garage.

General Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq (1924-1988; military ruler of Pakistan 1977-1988).

Omar Bongo (1935–2009; President of Gabon 1967-2009) who "stole a few bob".

Silvio Berlusconi (1936-2023; Prime Minister of Italy 1994-1995, 2001-2006 & 2008-2011) who got a bit of fun out of life.

Pablo Escobar (1949–1993; Colombian drug lord, narcoterrorist and zookeeper)

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto (1928–1979; President (1971-1973) and Prime Minister (1973-1977) of Pakistan, a member of one of the several families to have run Pakistan on the same basis as a "small family business".

Jeremy Clarkson (b 1960; former BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) television presenter and now owner of Diddly Squat Farm).  Just as the 600's reputation was beginning to recover from the association with murderous dictators, drug lords and such, it was revealed Mr Clarkson owned one.  Experts suggest there may be no recovering from that.

The Shah's 600s at the Tehran Car Museum.

In exile, the Shah of Iran died of natural causes after being deposed in the 1979 revolution which created the Islamic Republic of Iran under the rule of the Imam, Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini (1900-1989; Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran, 1979-1989).  The ayatollah's taste in cars was more modest but three of the Shah's Mercedes-Benz 600s are among the dozens on display (over a hundred in storage or undergoing restoration) at the Tehran Car Museum, open to the public Sunday-Wednesday (09:00-17:30) & Thursday & Friday (09:00-18:30).  It is closed on Saturday.   The museum is located at Azadi Square, Special Karaj Road, near Sepah Store while the office is situated on Resalat Highway, not far from Africa Highway, at the Foundation of the Oppressed, Building Number One, Fourth Floor, Cultural Institute of Museums.

That class of clientele associated with the 600 wasn't as drawn to the Volkswagen Phaeton.  For the top VW there were six cylinder petrol and diesel engines and even a V10 diesel but what attracted most interest (if not buyers) was the choice of a 4.2 litre (255 cubic inch) V8 or a 6.0 litre (366 cubic inch) W12, the most potent of the latter rated at a then impressive 444 HP (horsepower).  Unfortunately, most who could afford the hefty price lingered not long over the impressive specification but focused instead on the badge, still so associated with the old Beetle.  By all accounts, the Phaeton was a fine piece of engineering and highly regarded by the critics but, over fifteen years, fewer than 85,000 were sold, the line never profitable and the depreciation on the W12 was famously high, the failure of the range always explained by the lack of cachet the VW brand enjoyed at that end of the market.  Failure is however a relative term, Mercedes-Benz in the 18-odd years between 1963-1981 managed to produce only 2677 of their sinister 600s yet it lent the marque a luster that, although tarnished by some decisions and products of the last quarter-century, lingers to this day, despite the tireless efforts by MBAs to devalue things.  Although doubtlessly also sold at a loss, Mercedes-Benz gained much from the 600; VW got little from the Phaeton.