Podophilia

Podophilia (pronounced podd-ah-fil-ee-uh or pod-oh-fil=ee-uh)

A paraphilia describing the sexualized objectification of feet (and sometimes footwear), commonly called foot fetishism although the correct clinical description is now "foot partialism".

1980s: The construct was podo- +‎ -philia.  Podo- (pertaining to a foot or a foot-like part) was from the Ancient Greek πούς (poús), from the primitive Indo-European pṓds.  It was cognate with the Mycenaean Greek po, the Latin pēs, the Sanskrit पद् (pad), the Old Armenian ոտն (otn) & հետ (het), the Gothic fōtus and the Old English fōt (from which Modern English gained foot).  The Greek poús was the ancient Greek and Byzantine unit of length originally based upon the length of a shod foot and the idea in Europe endured for centuries although until the seventeenth century there were little attempts at standardization, even within the one jurisdiction and although things were settled well before the twentieth century, in the legal sense it wasn't until 1959 that the US, Canada, New Zealand, South Africa, Australia and the UK signed the "International Yard and Pound Agreement" which codified avoirdupois weight and length then used in all those nations, a set (although largely supplanted by the metric system (except in the US)) which officially still defines both Imperial and US customary units.  The suffix –philia was from the From Ancient Greek φιλία (philía) (fraternal love), from φῐλέω (philéō) (to love), from the earlier Ionic Greek (where the meanings diverged somewhat over the years.  It was used to to form nouns meaning a fondness, liking or love of something and in pathology picked up the specific technical sense of abnormal liking or tendency such a paraphilia.  One with specific attraction to feet or footwear is a podophile and their predilections are described as podophilic.

Lindsay Lohan and her lawyer in court, Los Angeles, December 2011.

The English phrase “length of the chancellor's foot” is neither an allusion to lineal measurement nor an early example of political podophilia.  It is a critique of law and most associated with a passage by the English jurist and scholar John Selden (1584–1654) which appeared in his Table Talk (published posthumously in London in 1689), discussing the flexible, adaptable law of equity and how its administration differed from the rigid, precedent-bound courts of common law: “Equity is a roguish thing: for law we have a measure… equity is according to the conscience of him that is Chancellor, and as that is larger or narrower, so is equity. ’Tis all one as if they should make the standard for the measure we call a 'foot' a Chancellor’s foot; what an uncertain measure would this be! One Chancellor has a long foot, another a short foot, a third an indifferent foot.”

In other words, in the Court of Chancellery, equity was administered by the Lord Chancellor at his discretion, the attraction being when the application of common law precedents were seen to create an obvious injustice, equity could intervene to provide a just result: justice based on fairness rather than strict legal rules.  However, implicit in that flexibility was the estimation of equity could vary from one Chancellor to next and thus the Court of Chancellery soon created its own contradictions, attracting critics who noted an outcome depended on the personal judgment of the Lord Chancellor who reached his decision on a “case-by-case” basis.

The Lord Chancellor with feet in flippers: Lord Hailsham of St Marylebone (Quintin Hogg, 1907-2001; Lord Chancellor 1970-1974 & 1979-1987).  Hailsham was a Tory (Conservative) but the photograph was taken by the Labour Party politician Lord Healey (Dennis Healey, 1917–2015).

The rationale was both clear and commendable but lawyers trained in the courts of common law liked the certainty and predictability of adherence to precedence; their fees were dependent on them winning their clients’ cases, not seeking an abstraction like “justice”.  Thus the phrase became legal shorthand for judicial arbitrariness in which outcomes depended on personal discretion rather than objective standards.  The equity lawyers were of course sensitive to the criticism and what evolved in the Court of Chancellery was its own set of “rules” although these came to be called “equitable maxims” and were principles & concepts which can be thought of as a kind of “proto-fuzzy law” in that they existed to ensure justice and fairness would be delivered but in a consistent manner.  The phrase however survives as a critique of subjective decision-making by authorities or inconsistencies in governance or law.

Often focused on toe cleavage, many self-described foot fetishists provide curated content.

Although the psychiatric community has since the mid-twentieth century devoted some time to discussing, re-defining and pondering what is apparently the 1800-odd year history of foot fetishism, a glance at the literature does suggest it’s been thought usually an interesting quirk in the human condition rather than a condition, much less a mental disorder.  Before the American Psychiatric Association (APA) in 1987 published the revised third edition of the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III-R), fetishism was usually described as a persistent preferential sexual arousal in association with non-living objects or an over-inclusive focus on (typically non-sexualized) body parts (most famously feet) and body secretions.  With the DSM-III-R, the concept of partialism (an exclusive focus on part of the body) was separated from the historic category of fetishism and appended to the “Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified” category.  Although one of the dustier corners of psychiatry, the field had always fascinated some and in the years since the DSM-III-R was published, a literature did emerge, most critics maintaining partialism and fetishism are related, can be co-associated, and are non-exclusive domains of sexual behavior.  There was a technical basis for this position because introduced in DSM-IV (1994) was a (since further elaborated) codification of the secondary clinical significance criterion for designating a psychiatric disorder, one the implications of which was that it appeared to suggest a diagnostic distinction between partialism and fetishism was no longer clinically meaningful or necessary.  The recommendation was that the prime diagnostic criterion for fetishism be modified to reflect the reintegration of partialism and that a fetishistic focus on non-sexual body parts be a specifier of Fetishism.

Lohanic footage: Lindsay Lohan’s feet, the right plantar flexing (left), the left dorsiflexing (right).  Wikifeet's expert critics rate Ms Lohan's feet at 4½ stars (beautiful feet); her page has 3653 images.

Fetish was from the Latin facere (to make) which begat factitious (made by art), from which the Portuguese feitico was derived (fetiche in the French), from which English gained fetish.  A fetish in this context was defined as "a thing irrationally revered; an object in which power or force was concentrated".  In English, use of fetish to indicate an object of desire in the sense of “someone who is aroused due to a body part, or an object belonging to a person who is the object of desire” dates from 1897 (although the condition is mentioned in thirteenth century medical documents), an era during which the language of modern psychiatry was being assembled.  However, the earliest known literary evidence of podophilia lies in dozens of brooding, obsessive love letters from the second century AD of uncertain authorship and addressed to both male and female youths.  That there are those to whom an object or body part has the power to captivate and enthral has presumably been part of the human condition from the start.

Suspected podophiles, parked outside shoe shop.

From the beginnings of modern psychiatry, such a focus was not in itself considered a disorder, unless accompanied by distress or impairment although it was noted by many that if even a nominally “harmless” fetish became an obsession, it certainly could impair healthy sexuality.  In DSM-5 (2013), the diagnosis was assigned to individuals who experience sexual arousal from objects or a specific part of the body which is not typically regarded as erotic and presumably any body part or object can be a fetish, the most frequently mentioned including underwear, shoes, stockings, gloves, hair and latex.   Fetishists may use the desired article for sexual gratification in the absence of a partner although it’s recorded this may involve nothing more than touching smelling the item and the condition appears to manifest almost exclusively in men, the literature suggesting a quarter of fetishistic men are homosexual but caution needs always to be attached to these numbers.  Because fetishism is something which many happily enjoy their whole adult lives, it never comes to the attention of doctors and a high proportion of the statistical material about fetishism is from patients self-reporting.  The statistics in a sense reflect thus not the whole cohort of the population with the condition but rather those who either want to talk about it or are responding to surveys.  That is of course true of other mental illnesses but is exaggerated with fetishism because so much lies with the spectrum of normal human behavior and the definitional limitations in the DSM-5 reflect this, including three criteria for Fetishistic Disorder and three specifiers:

Criterion 1: Over a six month period, the individual has experienced sexual urges focused on a non-genital body part, or inanimate object, or other stimulus, and has acted out urges, fantasies, or behaviors.

Criterion 2: The fantasies, urges, or behaviors cause distress, or impairment in functioning.

Criterion 3: The fetishized object is not an article of clothing employed in cross dressing, or a sexual stimulation device, such as a vibrator.

Specifiers for the diagnosis include the type of stimulus which is the focus of attention (1) the non-genital or erogenous areas of the body (famously feet) and this condition is known also as Partialism (a preoccupation with a part of the body rather than the whole person), (2) Non-living object(s) (such as shoes), (3) specific activities (such as smoking during sex).

Not AOC’s feet.

The foot particularists also do PSAs (public service announcements).  When an image of feet was posted to Instagram with a caption claiming they belonged to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC, b 1989, US Representative (Democrat-New York) since 2019 and one of "the squad"), the alleged foot-selfie was lent a whiff of scandal by their owner being in the bath, holding a vape with a bottle of pumpkin-scented shampoo nearby.  Quickly the story was debunked by the online foot fetishists at WikiFeet, the internet’s most comprehensive collection of pictures of women's feet.  In this case, Ms Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Wikifeet page was used to C&C (compare and contrast) against the images in their library and it wasn’t a difficult task for the Wikifeet experts because the toes in the image were mildly brachydactyly (an inherited trait whereby the bones of the digits are relatively short) whereas AOC’s are not so afflicted.  Wikifeet’s users rate AOC’s feet at “3.92 stars” (nice feet), based on the 83 images in her page (many in sandals but some daringly bare).  Further research by the Wikifeet particularists revealed the feet surfacing provocatively from the pink bath-water really belonged to Sydney Leathers (b 1991) who became even better known by parlaying the publicity she attracted for being the sexting partner of disgraced New York politician Anthony Weiner (b 1964) into an apparently brief career as an aspiring porn star.  Why that didn’t flourish isn’t clear because rarely has there been a better porn star name than "Sydney Leathers" and Australian fellmongers and fetishists alike missed a marketing opportunity there.

Gianvito Rossi 85 suede pumps, US$1,210 at net-a-porter.

Noting the definitional model in the DSM-IV-TR (2000), despite the history in psychiatry’s world of paraphilias and a notable presence in popular culture, there were those who claimed the very notion of a foot fetish was false because of that critical phrase “non-living” which would seem to disqualify a foot (unless of course it was no longer alive but such an interest would be seriously weird and a different condition; although in this context there are deconstructionists who would make a distinction between a depiction of a live foot and the foot itself, clinicians probably regard them as interchangeable tools of the fetishist although the techniques of consumption would vary).  The critic noted many fetishes are extensions of the human body, such as articles of clothing or footwear but that did not extend to feet and that diagnostically, a sexual fascination with feet did correctly belong in the category of “Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified,” and thus be regarded as partialism: Foot partialism.

Design by Davina-India.  Although the extreme examples won’t be possible to render as practical products without (unanticipated) advances in materials, 3D printing offers possibilities for the shoe-oriented faction of the foot partialists.

It was Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) who admitted that, lawfulness aside, as animals, the only truly aberrant sexual behavior in humans could be said to be its absence (something which the modern asexual movement re-defines rather than disproves).  It seemed to be in that spirit the DSM-5 was revised to treat podophila and many other “harmless” behaviors as “normal” and thus within the purview of the manual only to the extent of being described, clinical intervention no longer required.  Whether all psychiatrists agree with the new permissiveness isn’t known but early reports suggest there’s nothing in the DSM-5-TR (2022) to suggest podophiles will soon again be labeled as deviants.

Most Beautiful Ankle competition, Hounslow, England, 1936. What such competitions did was “level the playing field” to ensure a woman was judged only on the body-part being assessed, the rest of her concealed behind a screen so a judge wouldn't ne influenced by “extraneous aspects”.

The matter of podophilia is not exactly a neglected field but beyond the particularists it’s a niche topic for study, probably because despite being often curated as collections of images of objectified, un-clothed body parts, the stuff inherently is SFW (suitable for work) so is not as controversial as some fetishes.  Indeed, even were someone found to be in possession of many images of the feet of minors, unless the circumstances were unusual and disclosed suspicion of other behaviours, it’s likely no offence has been committed.  There have though been some academic studies including Sexualization of the Female Foot as a Response to Sexually Transmitted Epidemics: A Preliminary Study (1998) by A. James Giannini, Andrew E. Slaby, Gale Colapietro, Steven M. Melemis & Rachel K. Bowman.  A review of historic literature, the authors hypothesized a relationship between epidemics of sexually transmitted diseases and foot fetishism, the research prompted by an exponential increase in the behaviour seen in the 1980s, early in the AIDS epidemic.

Most Beautiful Legs competition, Palisades Amusement Park, New York, 1951.  Note the judge crouching to achieve the perfect angle, presumably a podophile with a well-trained eye.

The paper noted that during the second millennium there have been four major epidemics of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases, then the preferred term for what are now classed as STIs (sexually transmitted infections)): (1) what’s believed to have been an outbreak of gonorrhoea in the thirteenth century, syphilis in (2) the sixteenth and (3) nineteenth and (4) AIDS in the late twentieth and during each “there seemed to emerge a sexual focus on the female foot” which “disappeared with the epidemic's subsidence, usually after 30-60 years.”  What was intriguing was “the focus on feet was unique to each of these epidemic periods” whereas in all other eras studied, “eroticism was attached to breasts, buttocks and thighs.”  It was not suggested feet (bare or otherwise) didn’t appear in Biblical, Egyptian or Classical art and literature but they were not depicted as “sexual foci”.

It was in the thirteenth century things began to change as romantic writings came to include paeans to women's feet and the details were often not metaphorical but anatomical, describing in loving admiration the “aesthetically idealized woman's foot” which was to be “narrow with high arches.  The toes were to be somewhat long with no ‘webbing’ or folds of skin in between.  The great toe was longer than the second toe. The nails were to be elongated with large white moons and pale-pink nail-beds.”  The perfect foot was expected to be “white on both plantar and ventral aspects” so clearly, like thighs, buttocks and breasts, women’s feet were expected to conform to what men had decided was “beautiful” and those with body parts outside the “standardized image” could not be beautiful. Plus ça change…

Most Beautiful Ankle competition, Cliftonville open air swimming pool, Margate, England, 1936.

The Church looked askance at this “new” fetish, damning it as a “further form of degeneracy as Europe” and though the paper finds the trend faded to oblivion with the end of what is now believed to have been an epidemic of gonorrhoea, with the outbreak of syphilis in the sixteenth century, there appears again a “near-simultaneous reappearance of the foot fetish” which began in southern Europe before spreading north and the art of the time suggests it was then “toe-cleavage” was first identified as a motif, as a “voyeuristic mark of this time period as decolletage for other generations”.  Interestingly, 300-odd years on, the ideal structure was re-imagined and an “elongated second toe” became suddenly fashionable.  When syphilis re-appeared in the 1800s, so did the focus on women’s feet and because photography was available to the Victorians, there’s a record also of the reaction of polite society with the female foot “removed from photographic tintypes”: While men’s boots commonly remained exposed, women's boots or shoes were either covered with fabric or “mechanically cropped from the plate”.  Ballerinas would perform bare-footed (critics writing of her feet as they “flexed and extended”) ice-cream confections (called the “Trilby”) were sold in the shape of a woman’s foot and the “Cinderella fairy tale was revived with foot fetishistic overtones not now reflected in twentieth century versions”.  

Technicians recording metrics for a contestant in Miss Italia, Rome, 1949.

“Body part” contests offered scope for those who wouldn’t be “competitive” in mainstream beauty contests.  As a footnote, the perfection (in the sense of digital depiction) of generative AI (artificial intelligence) may see the end of the industry’s “body part model” niche in which those with exceptional hands, feet, eyes etc were contracted for photo-shoots involving just that one part.

In the nineteenth century, some did offer explanations (sometimes fanciful) for the phenomenon and although in the medical literature there were observations of the use of the foot “as a safe-sex alternative”, no systematic studies seem to have been undertaken.  The AIDS pandemic revived the interest and the proliferation of foot-fetish publications in the 1980s (before the internet was a mainstream product) was a marker of the trend and interestingly, the titles of what were usually glossy magazines avoided the words “feet” & “foot”, instead using “neutral” terms such as “Leg Action, Thigh High, Leg Show, Leg-Scene, High-heeled Women, Silk Stockings or Leg Tease”.  Despite that, the content seems overwhelmingly foot-centric and the conclusion was the publishers wished to “avoid embarrassment for the purchaser”.  That was interesting in that publications devoted to other body parts seemed to tend to use unambiguous titles and the paradox was that although feet were SWF, the perception was there was shame attached to the predilection, something not suffered by consumers of the definitely NSFW (not suitable for work) breast-related material.  Editorially, there were photographs mostly including feet and tips & techniques for “foot sex” which could be “a pleasurable sexual alternative without risk of sexually transmitted diseases”, the foot described as a safe “erotic alternative to the anus and genitals”.  It was at this point even the mainstream magazines began to advocate “toe sucking” and “foot biting” between couples, not to avoid infections but because for even the most sexually jaded it would be a “genuinely new” experience, novelty in this field much valued.  Diligent washing prior to sucking and biting was recommended.

First heat of Miss Slender Legs Competition, Miami, Florida, 1952.

Many good things happen in Florida; everybody knows that. The pop band The Monks in 1979 released the single Nice Legs Shame About Her Face so the contest in Miami was really an early example of DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion).  It's a bit of a stretch but as a Lord Chancellor might have put it, "beauty contests" are a thing of the common law while the "most beautiful body part" competitions belong to equity. 

The AIDS pandemic of course remains afoot although advances in treatment have made it manageable for most, at least in developed economies though there are concerns how cuts to foreign aid will affect outcomes in poorer regions, especially sub-Saharan Africa and the Pacific islands.  Despite the the condition fading from public consciousness, foot particularism appears still to be flourishing, the absence of foot-focused print titles an indication of the general industry shift to digital content rather than any decline in interest and the count of related internet pages is said to be in the millions.  To explain the phenomenon which has for centuries re-occurred, the neurology community has also become involved.  In Phantoms in the Brain: Probing the Mysteries of the Human Mind (1998), neurologist V.S. Ramachandran (b 1991) and science journalist Sandra Blakeslee (b 1943) offered the theory of a link with brain areas for the feet and the genitals being physically close, their speculation being there may be some “neural crosstalk between the two”, the idea a concern about STIs induces the brain to be stimulated to think about feet, purely because of the effect of directly adjacent electrical activity.

Catwalk

Catwalk (pronounced kat-wawk)

(1) A narrow walkway, especially one high above the surrounding area, used to provide access or allow workers to stand or move, as over the stage in a theater, outside the roadway of a bridge, along the top of a railroad car etc; any similar elevated walkway.

(2) By extension, a narrow ramp extending from the stage into the audience in a theatre, nightclub etc, associated especially with those used by models during fashion shows (although the gender-neutral “runway” is now sometimes used in preference to “catwalk”).

(3) In nautical architecture, an elevated enclosed passage providing access fore and aft from the bridge of a merchant vessel.

(4) By extension, as "the catwalk", industry slang for the business of making clothes for fashion shows.

1874: The construct was cat + walk.  The use of catwalk to describe a long, narrow footway was a reference initially to those especially of such narrowness of passage that one had to cross as a cat walks.  It applied originally to ships and then theatrical back-stages, the first known use with a fashion show runway dating from 1942.  In architecture on land and at sea, the catwalk soon lost its exclusive association only with the narrow and came instead to be defined by function, used to describe any walkway between two points.  The noun plural is catwalks.  For both nautical and architectural purposes, the English catwalk was borrowed by many languages including Norwegian (Bokmål & Nynorsk) and Dutch and it’s used almost universally in fashion shows.  Some languages such as the Ottoman Turkish قات‎ use the spelling kat and some formed the plural as catz.

Cat (any member of the suborder (sometimes superfamily) Feliformia or Feloidea): feliform (cat-like) carnivoran & feloid or any member of the subfamily Felinae, genera Puma, Acinonyx, Lynx, Leopardus, and Felis or any member of the subfamily Pantherinae, genera Panthera, Uncia and Neofelise and (in historic use, any member of the extinct subfamily Machairodontinae, genera Smilodon, Homotherium, Miomachairodus etc, most famously the Smilodontini, Machairodontini (Homotherini), Metailurini, "sabre-toothed cat" (often incorrectly referred to as the sabre-toothed tiger) but now most associated with the domesticated species (Felis catus) of felines, commonly and apparently since the eight century kept as a house pet)) was from the Middle English cat & catte, from the Old English catt (male cat) & catte (female cat), from the Proto-West Germanic kattu, from the Proto-Germanic kattuz, from the Latin cattus.

Cat has most productively been applied in English to describe a wide variety of objects and states of the human condition including (1) a spiteful or angry woman (from the early thirteenth century but now almost wholly supplanted by “bitch” (often with some clichéd or imaginative modifier)), (2) An aficionado or player of jazz, (3) certain male persons (a use associated mostly with hippies or sub-set of African-American culture), (4) historic (early fifteenth century) slang for a prostitute, (5) in admiralty use, strong tackle used to hoist an anchor to the cathead of a ship, (6) in admiralty use, a truncated form of cat-o'-nine-tails (a multi-lash (not all were actually nine-tailed)) whip used by the Royal Navy to enforce on-board discipline), (7) in admiralty use, a sturdy merchant sailing vessel (long archaic although the use endures to describe the rather smaller "catboat", (8) as “cat & dog (cat being the trap), a archaic alternative name for the game "trap and ball", (9) the pointed piece of wood that is struck in the game of tipcat, (1) In the African-American vernacular, vulgar slang or the vagina, a vulva; the female external genitalia, (11) a double tripod (for holding a plate etc) with six feet, of which three rest on the ground, in whatever position it is placed, (12) a wheeled shelter, used in the Middle Ages as a siege weapon to allow assailants to approach enemy defenses, (13) in admiralty slang, to vomit, (14) in admiralty slang to o hoist (the anchor) by its ring so that it hangs at the cathead, (15) in computing, a program and command in the Unix operating system that reads one or more files and directs their content to the standard output (16) in the slang of computing, to dump large amounts of data on an unprepared target usually with no intention of browsing it carefully (which may have been a sardonic allusion of “to catalogue or a shortened form of catastrophic although both origins are unverified, a street name of the drug methcathinone, (17) in ballistics and for related accelerative uses, a shortened form of catapult, (18) for purposes of digital and other exercises in classification, a shortening of category, (19) an abbreviation of many words starting with “cat”) (catalytic converter, caterpillar (including as “CAT” by the manufacturer Caterpillar, maker of a variety of earth-moving and related machines)) catfish, etc, (20) any (non military-combat) caterpillar drive vehicle (a ground vehicle which uses caterpillar tracks), especially tractors, trucks, minibuses, and snow groomers.

Walk was from the Middle English walken (to move, roll, turn, revolve, toss), from the Old English wealcan (to move round, revolve, roll, turn, toss) & ġewealcan (to go, traverse) and the Middle English walkien (to roll, stamp, walk, wallow), from the Old English wealcian (to curl, roll up), all from the Proto-Germanic walkaną & walkōną (to twist, turn, roll about, full), from the primitive Indo-European walg- (to twist, turn, move).  It was cognate with the Scots walk (to walk), the Saterland Frisian walkje (to full; drum; flex; mill), the West Frisian swalkje (to wander, roam), the Dutch walken (to full, work hair or felt), the Dutch zwalken (to wander about), the German walken (to lex, full, mill, drum), the Danish valke & waulk), the Latin valgus (bandy-legged, bow-legged) and the Sanskrit वल्गति (valgati) (amble, bound, leap, dance).  It was related to vagrant and whelk and a doublet of waulk.

Walk has contributed to many idiomatic forms including (1) in colloquial legal jargon, “to walk” (to win (or avoid) a criminal court case, particularly when actually guilty, (2) as a colloquial, euphemistic, “for an object to go missing or be stolen, (3) in cricket (of the batsman), to walk off the field, as if given out, after the fielding side appeals and before the umpire has ruled; done as a matter of sportsmanship when the batsman believes he is out or when the dismissal is so blatantly obvious that the umpire’s decision is inevitable, (4) in baseball, to allow a batter to reach first base by pitching four balls (ie non-strikes), (5) to move something by shifting between two positions, as if it were walking, (6) (also as “to full”, to beat cloth to give it the consistency of felt, (6) in the slang of computer programming, to debug a routine by “walking the heap”, (7) in aviation, to operate the left and right throttles of an aircraft in alternation, (8) in employment, to leave, to resign, (9) in the now outlawed “sports” of dog & cock-fighting, to put, keep, or train (a puppy or bird) in a walk, or training area, (10) in the hospitality trade, to move a guest to another hotel if their confirmed reservation is not available at the time they arrive to check-in (also as to bump), (11) in the hospitality trade, as “walk-in”, a customer who “walks-in from the street” to book a room or table without a prior reservation, (12) in graph theory, a sequence of alternating vertices and edges, where each edge's endpoints are the preceding and following vertices in the sequence, (13) In coffee, coconut, and other plantations, the space between the rows of plants (from the Caribbean and most associated with  Belize, Guyana & Jamaica, (14) in orchids, an area planted with fruit-bearing trees, (15) in colloquial use, as “a walk in the park” or “a cakewalk”, something very easily accomplished (same as “a milk-run”) and (16) in the (now rare) slang of the UK finance industry, a cheque drawn on a bank that was not a member of the LCCS (London Cheque (check in the US) Clearance System), the sort-code of which was allocated on a one-off basis; they had to be "walked" (ie hand-delivered by messengers).

A crop top appended to Duran Lantink's (b 1998) fall 2025 Duranimal collection, Paris Fashion Week, March.  Although technical details weren't provided, based on the realistic "jiggle" achieved, the "garment" may have included "ballistics gel" in the critical elements.

Especially since the ratio of fabric to flesh on red carpets shrunk during the last two decades, critics and the public alike have become jaded, shock and surprise harder to achieve on the catwalk.  However, at Paris Fashion Week 2025, what had become elusive with fabric and flesh and was achieved with latex, a male model appearing in a gender-bending top during the presentation of Dutch designer Duran Lantink's (b 1998) fall 2025 Duranimal collection.  What turned out to be the most publicized item in the Palais de Tokyo Room wasn’t the collection of pieces featuring bold animal prints with striking silhouettes, but one never to be in any high street catalogue, a flesh-colored torso with a pair of realistic, jiggling, prosthetic breasts worn by male model Chandler Frye.

Tit for tat: Mica Argañaraz strutting in T-shirt.

What the male mode wore was, in design terms, a crop top, albeit one with untypical choices in material and construction, and the companion piece was worn by model Mica Argañaraz: a T-shirt also in skin-tone latex, molded in the form of an idealized male torso, something like those the sculptors of Antiquity once carved in marble.  Both were on display on a catwalk which snaked around a maze of cubicles filled with headset-wearing workers shuffling and stapling papers, something which may have had some thematic connection which what was on show although no explanation was provided.  While the T-shirt seems to have provoked few comments, there were criticisms of the latex boobs, usually in some way an objection to the objectification of the female body (something generally thought a battle long lost) while others denied this could possibly thought “fashion” which was about as pointless an observation as any of those by the many who over the years have dismissed porcelain urinals, drip paintings and such as “not art”.  When asked about the use of a woman’s body as a “costume” (nobody asked about the make torso), Mr Lantink replied it was “…about cosplay, it’s playing with bad taste, it’s about form. Every season, we’re trying to sort of surprise ourselves with how can we change an original piece into something that we find interesting”, adding: “And we’re gonna do whatever the fuck we want because we’re free.”

On the catwalk: Lindsay Lohan in a Heart Truth Red Dress during Olympus Fashion Week, Fall, 2006, The Tent, New York City.

How to walk like catwalk model

Traci Halvorson of Halvorson Model Management (HMM) in San Jose, California, has written a useful guide for those wishing to learn the technique of walking like a catwalk (increasingly now called the gender-neutral “runway”) model.  Although walking on a wide, stable flat surface, in a straight line with few other instructions except “don’t fall over”, doesn’t sound difficult, the art is actually a tightly defined set of parameters which not all can master.  Some models who excel at static shots and are well-known from their photographic work can’t be used on a catwalk because their gait, while within the normal human range, simply isn’t a “catwalk walk”.  It’s thus a construct, of clothes, shoes, style and even expression and catwalk models need to be adaptable, able to achieve essentially the same thing whether in 6-inch (150 mm) high stilettos or slippery-soled ballet flats; it’s harder than it sounds and as all models admit, nothing improves one’s technique like practice.

(1) The facial expression.  It sounds a strange place to start but it’s not because if the facial expression is unchanging it means it’s easier to focus on everything else, the rational being that humans use their range of facial expression to convey emotion and attitude but this all has to be neutralized to permit the photographers (paradoxically the audience is less relevant) to capture what are defined “catwalk” shots.  Set the chin to point slightly down though don’t hang the head; the angle should be almost imperceptible and it recommended to imagine an invisible string attached to the top of the head holding the chin in its set position.

(2) Do not smile.  Catwalk models do not smile because it draws attention away from the product although this does not mean looking miserable or unhappy; instead look “serious” and this usually is done by perfecting what is described as a “neutral” expression, one which would defy an observer being able to tell whether the wearer is happy or sad.  To achieve this, the single most important aspect is to keep the mouth closed in a natural position, something like what is recommended for a passport photograph and ask others to judge the look but as a note of caution, there will be failures because some girls just look sort of happy no matter what.  In most of life, this will be of advantage so a career other than the catwalk will beckon.

(3) On the catwalk, keep the eyes focused straight ahead.  This not only makes walking easier but also self-imposes a discipline which will help maintain the static facial expression.  Because the eyes are focused straight-ahead, it will stop the head moving and the look will be the desired one of alertness and purposefulness.  Some models recommend imagining a object moving in front of them and focus on that and in the situations where there’s a procession on the catwalk, it’s possible usually to fixate on some unmoving point on the model ahead.

(5) Don’t fall over.  It’s an obvious point but it does happen and usually, shoes are responsible, either because the nature of the construction has so altered the model’s centre of gravity or there's  contact between footwear and some flowing piece of fabric, either one’s own or one in the wake of the model ahead.  There is no better training to avoid “catwalk stacks” than to practice in a wide variety of shoe types.

(5) If possible, arrange a replica catwalk on which to practice, it need only to be a few paces long and arranged so the walk is towards a full-length mirror.  For side views, film using a carefully positioned camera and compare the result with footage of actual catwalk models at work.  If possible, work in pairs or a group because you’ll hone each other’s techniques but remember this is serious business and criticism will need to be frank; feelings may need to be hurt on the walk to the catwalk.

(6) Stand up straight, imagining the invisible string holding the head in place being also attached to the spine.  Keep the shoulders back but not unnaturally so, posture needs to be good but not stiff or exaggerated and a good posture can to some extent compensate for a lack of height.  Again, this needs to be practiced in front of a mirror and practice will improve the technique, the object being to stand straight while looking relaxed and comfortable.

(7) Perfecting the actual catwalk walk will take some time because, although it looks entirely natural when done by models, it’s not actually the “natural” way most people walk.  To train, begin purely mechanistically, placing one foot in front of the other and walking with (comfortably) long strides, the best trick being to mark a line on the floor with chalk and imagine walking on a rope, keeping one foot in front of the other, allowing the hips slightly to move from side to side; the classic model look.  With sufficient practice, what designers call the model’s “strut” will evolve and in conjunction with the other techniques, there’ll be a projection of assuredness and confidence.

(8) However, the hips need symmetrically and slightly to move, not swing.  Catwalk models are hired as platforms for clothes within a narrow dimensional range and this includes not only the cut of the fabric but also the extent it is required to move as the body moves and motion must not be exaggerated.  When practicing this, again it’s preferable to work in pairs or groups.

How it's done.  Catwalk models need to look good coming or going.

(9) Limit the movement of the arms when walking.  Let the arms hang at the sides with the hands relaxed, the swing of the limbs sufficient only to ensure the look is not unnaturally stylized and certainly nothing like that of most people on the street.  Many report when first practicing that there’s a tendency for the hands to clench into fists and that’s because of the discipline being imposed on other body parts but from the start, ensure the hands are relaxed, loosely cupped and with a small (natural) gap (something like ¼ inch (5-6 mm) between the fingers.  Allow the arms slightly to bend and they’ll sway (just a little) with the body.

(10) Practice specifically for the occasion.  Just as even the best tennis players have to practice on grass if they’ve just come off playing on clay or hard-courts, at least an hour before an actual catwalk session should be spent practicing in the same style of shoes as will be worn for the session(s).  This applies even if wearing something less challenging like flats because the change in weight distribution and the resultant centre of gravity is profound if the last few days have been spent in 6 inch (150 mm) heels.     

(11) Practice with different types of music because the catwalk walk really is an exercise in rhythm and if one can find a piece which really suits and makes the walk easier to perfect, if it’s possible to imagine that while on the catwalk, that’s good although sometimes there’s music at the shows and not all can focus on what’s in the head while excluding what’s coming through the speakers.

Traci Halvorson's instructions were of course aimed at neophytes wishing to learn the basic technique but among established models there are variations and the odd stake of the individualistic, the most eye-catching of which is the "fierce strut", a usually fast-paced and aggressive march down the catwalk while still using the classic one-foot-in-front-of-the-other motif which so defines the industry.  It's thus not quite Nazi-style goose-stepping or even the hybrid step used most enthusiastically by the female soldiers in the DPRK (North Korean) military but it's clearly strutting with intent.

Recent fierce struts on the catwalk (runway).

Vagina & Vulva

Vagina (pronounced vuh-jahy-nuh)

(1) In anatomy & zoology, in many female mammals, the moist, tube-shaped canal part of the reproductive tract which runs from the cervix of the uterus through the vulva (technically between the labia minora) to the outside of the body.

(2) In botany, the sheath formed by the basal part of certain leaves where they embrace the stem.

(3) A sheath-like part or organ (now rare even in technical literature).

(4) In colloquial (and now general) use, the vulva, or the vulva and vaginal passage collectively.

(5) In derogatory colloquial use, an un-masculine man; a weakling (now rare, “pussy” the preferred modern term).

1675-1685: A creation of Medical Latin, a learned borrowing of the Latin vāgīna.  As used in anatomy, the seventeenth century coining was a specialized application of the Latin vāgīna (a sheath, scabbard; a covering, holder; sheath of an ear of grain, hull, husk) of uncertain origin, the suggestion by some etymologists it may have been cognate with the Lithuanian vožiu & vožti (to cover with a hollow thing) dismissed by others as “speculative” or even “gratuitous proposal”.  The use in medicine is exclusive to modern science, the Latin word not used thus during Antiquity.  Vagina is a noun, vaginal & vaginalike are adjectives, vaginally is an adverb; the noun plural is vaginas or vaginae (the old spelling vaginæ is effectively extinct); the part of the anatomy used for copulation & childbirth in female mammals and a similar organ exists in some invertebrates.

A damp Lindsay Lohan demonstrates the “cameltoe” look, Los Angeles, 2009 (left) and NoToe's “Cameltoe Proof Thong” solution (right).

Borrowed from zoology, “cameltoe” is popular modern slang which specifically references the vulva's labia majora, comparing the bifurcated (at certain angles) appearance with the even-toed hoof of a camel, the hooves of the ungulate mammals (known as Artiodactyls) an adaptation to the typically loose, sandy environment in which they evolved.  The slang form (also as camel toe & camel-toe) was re-purposed as “Cameltoe Harris”, a derogatory reference to Kamala Harris (b 1964; VPOTUS (US vice president) 2021-2025), use seemingly dating from 2015 while she was serving in California as attorney-general.  Just as in many fields where “there’s an app for that”, for those wishing to avoid the look, “there are knickers for that”.  Brisbane-based Australian operation NoToe's Cameltoe Proof Thong is made with “a Nylon/Spandex blend”, the design said to be “…breathable, seamless, tagless and roll-free thanks to its silicone grip.  And of course, it's cameltoe proof!”  In addition to removing the cameltoe, the thong also eliminates the dreaded VPL (visible panty line) and the product is “Designed Down Under for Down Under.”  One more gap in the market has been filled so that's good.

The vluva and vagina have for centuries attracted the coining of slang terms, not all of them derogatory.  In idiomatic use “vaginamoney” is (often embittered) slang for alimony, child support etc, money paid by men to ex-partners after the sundering of a relationship.  One slang form which may not survive is "hairy check book" (cheque book outside the US) because (1) checks are declining in use and (2) body-hair fashions have changed.  In psychiatry, the condition vaginaphobic describes “a fear of or morbid aversion to vaginas) and vaginaphile (an admiration for vaginas) is listed by only some dictionaries which is surprising given authors are so often given to write about them and painters are drawn to painting them (in the sense of oil on canvas etc although there’s doubtless a niche for applying paint directly).  Dating from 1908, the term “vagina dentata” entered psychiatry and its popularization is usually attributed Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) although this perception may be attributable to Freud’s works being better known and more widely read, the term used by many in the profession.  The Latin vagina dentata (toothed vagina) referenced the folk mythology in which a woman's vagina contained teeth, the implication being a consequence of sex might be emasculation or at least severe injury.  The tale was also used as a warning about having sex with unknown women and as a way of discouraging rape.  The vivid imagery of a vagina dentata (in somewhat abstract form) was used by the US military as a warning about the dangers of STIs (sexually transmitted infection (once known as sexually transmitted diseases (STD) & VD (venereal disease).  Some writers have speculated on what this revealed about Freud and his much discussed understanding of women.

Vulva (pronounced vuhl-vuh)

(1) The external female genitalia of female mammals (including the labia, mons veneris, clitoris and vaginal orifice.

(2) In helminthology, a protrusion on the side of a nematode (multivulva used to describe a phenotype of nematode characterized by multiple vulvas).

(3) In arachnology, the spermatheca and associated ducts of the female reproductive system (also known as internal epigyne or internal genitalia).

(4) An internal genital structure in female millipedes (known also as the cyphopod).

Late 1300s: A learned borrowing from the Latin vulva, from the earlier volva (womb, female sexual organ) (perhaps in the literal sense of a “wrapper”), from volvere (to turn, twist, roll, revolve (also “turn over in the mind”)), probably from volvō (to turn, to roll, to wrap around), from the primitive Indo-European root wel- (to turn, revolve), the derivatives referring to curved, enclosing objects.  In the 1970s, when Volvo automobiles weren’t noted for their precise handling, journalists enjoyed noted the translation of the Latin volvō as: “I roll”.   It was akin to the Sanskrit उल्ब (úlba) (womb).  The adjectives vulvalike (also vulva-like) & vulviform both describe objects or designs having the shape of a vulva.  Vulva is a noun, vulval, vulvaless, vulviform, vulvar, vulvate & vulvic are adjectives; the noun plural is vulvas, vulvae or vulvæ.

Ms Gillian Anderson’s “vagina dress”

Gillian Anderson, Golden Globes award ceremony 2024.

So much interest was generated by the dress (which the designer dubbed “vulvalicious”) that the handbag (there are those who would insist it’s a “purse”) escaped much attention which was a shame because it was a clever design.  Aquazzura’s Mini Purist Metallic Pouch blends the utilitarian function of the classic night-time mini bag with the swinging style of a shoulder bag, imagined as a semi-circle.  What the adjustable silver shoulder strap afforded was the choice of it being carried off the shoulder or, if removed, used as a conventional handbag, the hard golden top handle folding from the base.  The semi-circle is of course a less than efficient shape for a handbag (or purse) in the sense of a "storage device" but it gives the stylists a nice curve with which to work.  

There’s nothing novel in the critical deconstruction of what appears on red carpets but the dress worn by actor Gillian Anderson (b 1968) at the 2024 Golden Globe ceremony also attracted the attention of word nerds.  Designed by Gabriela Hearst (b 1976), the strapless, ivory corset gown was embroidered with individually stitched embellishments in the shape of vulvas, each of which absorbed some 3½ hours of the embroider’s time.  In an allusion to her sexual wellness brand (G spot), when interviewed, Ms Anderson said she wore the piece: “…for so many reasons. It’s brand appropriate.”  The response in the press and on-line appeared to be (mostly) positive but what did attract criticism was the widespread use of “vagina” to describe the designs, a descriptor used even by Ms Anderson herself.  The more strident of the critics seemed to detect sexual politics in what they claimed was anatomical imprecision, the implication being this lack of respect for gynaecological terminology was casual misogyny: Doubts were cast anyone would dare confuse a scrotum with the testicles.

Annotated anatomical sketch (left) Edsel Citation convertible (centre) and the detail on Gabriela Hearst's gown (right).  Although Ms Anderson probably didn't give the 1958 Edsel a thought, it does illustrate why her use of "vagina" to describe the embroidered motifs is defensible.

The pedants are correct in that technically the “vulva” describes on the external portion of the genitalia that leads to the vagina; the vulva including the labia majora, labia minora, and clitoris.  The labia is also a complex structure which includes the labia majora (the thick, outer folds of skin protecting the vulva’s internal structure) and the labia minora (the thin, inner folds of skin directly above the vagina).  However, for almost a hundred years, the term “vagina” has widely been used to refer to the vulva and has come to function as a synecdoche for the entire female genitalia and so prevalent has the use become that even medical professionals use “vagina” thus unless great precision is required.  Still, given Ms Anderson’s brand is concerned with such matters, perhaps the historically correct use might have been better but the actor herself noted “…it has vaginas on it” so linguistically, her proprietorial rights should be acknowledged.

The Edsel, the grill and the myths

1958 Edsel Citation convertible.

Although it went down in industrial history as one of capitalism’s most expensive failures, objectively, Ford Motor Corporation’s Edsel really wasn’t a dramatically worse car than the company’s companion brands Ford & Mercury.  Indeed that was one of the reasons for the failure in the market; sharing platforms, engines, transmissions, suspension and some body parts with Fords & Mercurys, the thing simply lacked sufficient product differentiation.  That sharing of components (and assembly plants; Ford sending the Edsels down the existing production lines in the same factories) also makes it hard to believe the often quoted US$300 million (between US$2.5-3 billion expressed in 2025 values) Ford booked as a loss against the abortive venture as anything but an opportunity taken by the accountants to dump all the bad news in one go, certain taxation advantages also able to be gained with this approach. 

1959 Edsel Corsair two-door hardtop.

The very existence of Edsel was owed to a system devised by Alfred P Sloan (1875–1966) while president of General Motors (GM).  Sloan is now mostly forgotten by all but students of industrial & economic history but he was instrumental in the development some of the concepts which underpinned the modern economy including frequent product changes (for no functional purpose), planned obsolescence and consumer credit.  What the "Sloan ladder" did was provide GM’s customers with a structured incremental status indicator, defined by a range of products (with substantial cross-amortization) at price points which encouraged them to “step up” to the next level as disposable income increased.  At one point, GM’s brand-range had nine rungs but the Great Depression of the 1930s necessitated some pruning and, after a cull in 1931 cut the brands to six, what eventually emerged after 1940 was a five rung system which would be sustained until the twenty-first century: Chevrolet, Pontiac, Oldsmobile, Buick & Cadillac.  In the 1950s, when the US economy enjoyed the unusual conjunction of rising incomes, stable prices and a remarkably (by both historic and contemporary standards) small disparity between the wealth of rich and poor, this produced the swelling middle class which was the target market for most consumer products and certainly those on the Sloan ladder.  Ford had in 1938 added a rung when the Mercury brand was spliced between Ford and Lincoln but in the mid 1950s, the MBAs convinced the company the Sloan system was the key to GM’s lead in the market and they too re-structured the company’s products into five rungs: Ford, Mercury, Edsel, Lincoln & Continental.  Actually, in a harbinger, the loss-making Continental Division lasted barely two seasons, folded into Lincoln before the Edsel debuted for the 1958 model year but the MBAs kept the faith.

1958 Edsel (left) and 1958 Oldsmobile (right).  One can see why someone at Time magazine thought of "an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon".

That faith turned out to be misplaced although in fairness to them, the circumstances in 1958 were unfortunate, a short but sharp recession shocking consumers who had become accustomed to growth and stability, believing that such unpleasantness belonged to the pre-war past.  The Edsel never recovered.  Although sales in 1958 were disappointing, given the state of the economy, it could have been worse but Ford’s market research (focus groups a thing even then) had identified problems and in response toned down the styling and moved the brand down-market, notionally to sit between Ford & Mercury, a gap which in retrospect didn’t exist.  Sales dropped that year by about a third and the writing was on the wall although, surprising many, a pared-down Edsel range was released for 1960 using Ford’s re-styled bodies but not many were fooled and fewer than 3000 left the factory before late in 1959 the end of the brand quietly was announced.

1938 Frazer-Nash BMW 328 Roadster with the grill's centre bars in non-standard red (top left), 1959 BMW 507 (top right), 1971 BMW 3.0 CSL (E9), one of the 169 first series leichtbau (light construction) CSLs with twin downdraft Zenith carburetors) (bottom left) and 2022 BMW M4-Competition-xDrive Convertible (G82, bottom right).

Ford might have felt the Edsel was criticized unfairly (at least on a anatomical basis) because, since the 303 in 1933, BMW had been fitting grills which blatantly were “cameltoesque” in appearance although perhaps they escaped opprobrium because it wasn’t until 1962 with the release of 1500 (the so-called Neue Klasse (New Class, 1962-1972)) the design assumed aspect ratios close to that of the typical human female, exemplified by the elegant E9 coupés (1968-1975).  BMW also came to use physiology as a descriptor for the style but delved deeper, preferring the gender-neutral “twin kidney”.  Interestingly, for the lovely 507 roadsters (1956-1959) the twin apertures were stretched wide and the look was greeted with acclaim (Pontiac, with aplomb, taking up the “twin-grill” concept) and it wasn’t until BMW's huge, gaping apparatuses appeared in the twenty-first century that the style Nazis condemned the look as “absurd”.  The deep and wide-set grills of the BMWs of the 2020s are the cameltoe at scale and for those who question the anatomical reference because they doubt “wide set vaginas” are a thing, their existence was confirmed in Mean Girls (2004).

1969 BMW 2000 C (left) as the factory did it and as re-imagined with the "twin kidney" grill in the twenty-first century style (right).

Architecturally, a half-century before the G82, BMW had the space to anticipate the M4’s “wide-set” look.  The E9’s predecessor was a coupé based on the Neue Klasse platform with the four-cylinder engine enlarged to 2.0 litres (121 cubic inch) and offered as the 2000 C (single carburetor) and 2000 CS (twin carburetor) between 1965-1969.  The new coupé replaced the low-volume and expensive 3200 CS (1962-1965) which had been powered by a 3.2 litre (193 cubic inch) V8 and the most commented upon aspect of the design was the frontal styling, the word upon which most critics settled being “polarizing”.  It was the then unusual headlight treatment which induced the “love it or hate it” feelings, the chrome-framed asymmetric glass fairings something which later would become familiar but in 1965 it was “the shock of the new”.  Between the fairings there was a lot of space but BMW didn’t then take the opportunity to tempt buyers with the “wide-set vagina” look which would have to wait for the next century, instead maintaining a familial link with the grill on the Neue Klasse sedans.  The styling of the 2000 C/CS is regarded now as an interesting period piece and an example of something which might have been a trend-setter but the industry went in other directions, one of which was the E9 which remains BMW’s finest achievement.

The wide-set and the Brazilian.

Recently, it emerged there can be financial implications for the wide-set (ie those who anatomically identify more with the BMW G82 than the E9).  The details were revealed in a text message between a beauty salon operative (the waxer) and her client (the waxee) who had just enjoyed (the verb used in the sense of "to have had the use or benefit of something") the application of a Brazilian (an ellipsis of “Brazilian wax”, a specific style of pubic hair removal in which only a narrow strip or triangle of growth is retained on the mons pubis).  What the waxer advised was: “Just in future I’ll have to charge you a little more for the size of the area.  I hope that makes sense, nothing crazy, like $5 or $10 extra.”  The waxer’s rationale for that was based on the waxee having a FUPA (fatty upper pubic area, a normal variation in human anatomy rather than a condition) which means a greater surface area.  That, in the context of performing a Brazilian, demands (1) a higher consumption of consumable product (wax), (2) more time required to apply wax and (3) more time required to remove wax.  Reaction on social media was mixed, a few arguing the economics justified the surcharge although most condemned the waxer and though the pricing should be universal with, over time, the relative few needing more wax being balanced out by the relative few needing less.

1960 Edsel Ranger Sedan.  By 1960, the Edsel really was a "blinged-up" Ford and the 34 days it was in production happened only to fulfil contractual obligations and avoid tiresome legal proceedings.

Although it began as something more than a "blinged-up" Ford, the Edsel wasn't that much more and it failed because for such a hyped product it was a disappointment and in that it can be compared to something like the administration of Barack Obama (b 1961; POTUS (US president) 2009-2017).  Barack Obama was not a bad president and he didn’t lead a bad government, indeed most objective analysts rate his term as “above average” (the perhaps biased Donald Trump (b 1946; POTUS 2017-2021 and since 2025) dissenting from this view) but he disappointed because he promised so much, the soaring rhetoric (“highfalutin nonsense” as the press baron Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964) would have put it) offering hope and change never realized.  There was also the Edsel’s styling.  There was much clumsiness in the detailing (although almost the whole US industry was similarly afflicted in 1958) but the single most polarizing aspect was the vertical grill assembly, controversial not because it was a regression to something which had become unfashionable in the “longer, lower, wider” era but because of the shape which to some suggested a woman’s vulva.  Some used the words “vagina” or “genitalia” but in those more polite times some publications were reluctant to use such words in print and preferred to suggest the grill resembled a “horse collar” or “toilet seat” although the latter was (literally) a bit of a stretch and anyway already used of some of the trunk (boot) lids on Chryslers styled to excess by Virgil Exner (1909–1973); more memorable was Time magazine’s “an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon”.

Quirkiness coming & going: 1958 Edsel Bermuda “Woody” station wagon.

The “woody” nickname was applied to the station wagons from all manufacturers although after the early 1950s the “wood” was a combination of fibreglass and the DI-NOC plastic appliqué, the look intended to evoke that of the partially timbered-bodied station wagons in production until the early 1950s.  Strangely, Chrysler and Mercury in the 1960s even did a few convertibles with the stuff glued on (recalling some earlier such things from the 1940s which used real wood), the former later unable to resist the temptation for the vaguely cartoonesque LeBaron Town & Country convertible (1983-1984).  Ford’s attempt in the 1960s to persuade British & Australian buyers of station wagons DI-NOC was charming proved brief and unsuccessful but in the domestic market the popularity lasted until 1990s.  As much as the sedans and convertibles, Edsel station wagons were just as unwanted.  The Bermuda was offered only for the 1958 model year and it sold a dismal 2,235, with 779 of the nine-seater version with an additional row of seating in the rear section, a configuration always popular with US buyers in the era of larger families and before the age of mini-vans and SUVs (sports utility vehicles).  The three-row Bermuda was the rarest of the 1958 Edsels but collectors still price them below the convertibles, reflecting the usual practice in which (with the odd exception), convertible coach-work trumps all other styles.  If the vulva-themed front end was confronting, there was a strangeness too at the rear, the turn-indicator lights in the shape of an arrow, a traditional symbol to indicate one's intended direction of travel but bizarrely, the Edsel’s arrows pointed the opposite way, something necessitated by the need to blend the shape with that of the body’s side moldings.  In little more than two years, Edsel went from "too much, too soon", to "too little, too late".

1959 Edsel Villager 6 passenger Station Wagon.

Like the grill, for 1959 the tail of the station wagon was toned-down from bizarre to baroque.  It didn’t much stimulate demand and only 5,687 were sold while in the same season, Ford shifted 147,748 station wagons (123,412 Country Sedans & 24,336 Country Squires).  In 1958 the relationship between the Villager & Bermuda had reflected that of Ford’s Country Sedan to the more expensive (and DI-NOCed) Country Squire and while Ford would for decades top the station wagon sales charts, after 1960 the only more expensive versions offered by the corporation would be Mercurys.  As a footnote, along with the Ranger, the Villager did survive as part of the quixotic 1960 range when a mere 275 left the line, lending it the dubious distinction of being the rarest Edsel station wagon.  Despite that usually compelling statistic, collectors still prefer the 1958 & 1959 wagons, probably because the 1960 models lack the distinctive grill which is the most identifiable part of an Edsel's once dubious "brand identity".

A J.D. Vance meme with sofa (in US memes referred to usually as a "couch").

The Edsel ran its historic race more than a decade before the Watergate scandal so there was never a "grillgate" or "Edselgate" but the vulva did in 2024 return to the news with couchgate-themed memes.  In July that year, a post appeared on X (formerly known as Twitter) claiming there was a passage in J.D. Vance’s (b 1984; VPOTUS since 2025) book Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis (2016) in which the then US senator (Republican-Ohio) boasted of having enjoyed a sexual act with a latex glove, strategically placed between a sofa’s cushions.

It was fake news and nothing in the book even hinted at such an experience but quickly the post went viral; it once could take years for urban myths to spread around a few counties but in the social media age such things wiz around the planet in minutes.  Quickly the tale was debunked but couchgate was a popular choice among the meme-makers and it says something about US politics that so many really wanted to believe "couchgate" was true.  Whether latex glove sales spiked because suddenly there were those wishing to experience the hopefully novel technique, isn't known.

Heavy duty (HD), neoprene-coated latex gloves (medium/large) from Walmart.

After Pope Francis (1936-2025; pope 2013-2025) died, posts began to circulate noting that hours before he dropped dead he'd had an audience with recent Catholic-convert J.D. Vance and comparisons were made with the death of Elizabeth II (1926-2022; Queen of the UK 1952-2022) coming barely two days after meeting Liz Truss (b 1975; UK prime-minister Sep-Oct 2022).  The pope of course was head of the Roman Catholic Church and the queen was Supreme Governor of the Church of England and it seemed striking both should succumb so soon after the pleasure of their conversation with a right-wing fanatic.  It must be assumed both events were just bad luck but Mr Vance is a serious convert to the faith and better-acquainted than most with Roman Catholic theology and he'll be familiar with the "visitation of the angel of death", a figure sent by God to tap on the shoulder one for whom the time has come to quit the world.

For most of the republic's existence, holders of the office of vice-president tended to be obscure figures noted only if they turned out to be crooks like Spiro Agnew (1918–1996; VPOTUS 1969-1973) or assumed the presidency in one circumstance or another and during the nineteenth century there was a joke about two brothers: “One ran off to sea and the other became vice-president; neither were ever heard from again.”  That was an exaggeration but it reflected the general view of the office which has few formal duties and can only ever be as powerful or influential as a president allows although the incumbent is “a heartbeat from the presidency”.  John Nance Garner III (1868–1967, VPOTUS 1933-1941), a reasonable judge of these things, once told Lyndon Johnson (LBJ, 1908–1973; VPOTUS 1961-1963 & POTUS 1963-1969) being VPOTUS was “not worth a bucket of warm piss” (which in polite company usually is sanitized as “...bucket of warm spit”).  In the US, a number of VPOTUSs have become POTUS  and some have worked out well although of late the record has not been encouraging, the presidencies of Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon (1913-1994; VPOTUS 1953-1961, POTUS 1969-1974) and Joe Biden (b 1942; VPOTUS 2008-2017, POTUS 2021-2025) all ending badly, in despair, disgrace and decrepitude respectively.

Still, in the post-war years, the VPOTUS has often assumed a higher profile or been judged to be more influential, the latter certainly true of Dick Cheney (b 1941; VPOTUS 2001-2009) and some have even been given specific responsibilities such as LBJ’s role as titular head of the space program (which worked out well) or Kamala Harris co-ordinating the response to difficulties on the southern border (a role in which either she failed or never attempted depending on the source).  So wonderfully unpredictable is Donald Trump that quite what form the Vance VPOTUSship will assume is guesswork but conspiracy theorists already are speculating part of MAGA forward-planning is to have Mr Vance elected POTUS in 2028, simply as part of a work-around in a constitutional jigsaw puzzle.

The conspiracy revolves around the words in Section 1 of the Twenty-second Amendment: “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice” and even the most optimistic MAGA lawyers concede not even Brett Kavanaugh (b 1965; SCOTUS associate justice since 2018) or Clarence Thomas (b 1948; SCOTUS associate justice since 1991) could construct an interpretation which would allow Mr Trump to be elected for a third term (although Justice Thomas might make a heroic attempt).  The constitution is however silent on whether any person may serve a third (or fourth, or fifth!) term so that makes possible the following sequence:

(1) In the 2028 election J.D.Vance is elected POTUS and somebody else (matters not who) is elected VPOTUS.

(2) In 2029, J.D. Vance and somebody else (matters not who) are sworn into office as POTUS & VPOTUS respectively.

(3) Somebody else (matters not who) resigns as VPOTUS.

(4) J.D. Vance appoints Donald Trump as VPOTUS who is duly sworn-in.

(5) J.D. Vance resigns as POTUS and, as the constitution dictates, Donald Trump becomes POTUS and is duly sworn-in.

(6) Donald Trump appoints J.D.Vance as VPOTUS.

Whatever the politics, constitutionally, there is nothing controversial about those six steps because there’s a precedent, the sequence following what happened between 1968 when Nixon & Agnew were elected POTUS and VPOTUS and 1974 when the offices were held respectively by Gerald Ford (1913–2006; VPOTUS 1973-1974 & POTUS 1974-1977) and Nelson Rockefeller (1908–1979; VPOTUS 1974-1977), neither of the latter pair having been elected.  Of course, in January 2029 somebody else (matters not who) would be a “left-over” but he (it seems a reasonable assumption somebody else (matters not who) will be male) can, depending on this and that, be appointed something like secretary of agriculture or to a sinecure such as an ambassadorship in a nice (non-shithole) country with a pleasant climate and a majority white population.