Elan

Elan (pronounced ay-lahn (U) or e-lan (non-U))

(1) Dash; impetuous ardor; a combination of style and vigour.

(2) In astronomy, as ELAN, the acronym of Enormous Lyman-Alpha Nebula (large gas cloud (nebula) larger than galaxies, found in intergalactic space).

1875–1880: From the Modern French élan, from the Middle French eslan (a dash, rush), noun derivative of éslancer to (dart).  Élan was thus a deverbal of élancer, the construct being é- (from the Old French es-, from Latin ex- & ē- (the prefix indicating away, moving away from) +‎ lan(cer) (from Old French lancier, from the Late Latin lanceāre, present active infinitive of lanceō, from the Latin lancea.  It was related to the Catalan llançar, the Italian lanciare, the Occitan and Portuguese lançar and the Spanish lanzar.  The sense is best understood by comparison with the French élancer (to throw forth) from the Classical Latin lancea (lance), the Roman auxiliaries' short javelin; a light spear or lance.  Ultimate root is thought to be Celtic/Celtiberian, possibly from the primitive Indo-European plehzk- (to hit) and connected also to the Ancient λόγχη (lónkhē).  Elan is a noun. 

Lindsay Lohan in hijab and halal make-up at the inaugural London Modest Fashion Week (LMFW), staged by London-based fashion house Haute Elan, February 2018.

Haute Elan is an interesting example of the novel corporate structures made possible by the distributed connectivity of the internet, acting as an umbrella organization for designers and distributers (output) and a kind of clearing house, offering a conduit for access and enquiries by media and customers (input).  For designers, the attraction is the association with a platform which can reduce the cost of promotional activities while allowing a brand to be built.  Pragmatically, it also limits the the consequences of failure.

The companion word is the noun éclat (brilliant display or effect), also used by Lotus as a model name (Types 76 & 84; 1975-1982).  For elan, there’s really no exact single-word synonym in English, the closest including animation, ardor, dash, flair, impetus, life, oomph, panache, spirit, style, verve, vigor, vim, zest, zing, brio, esprit & impetuosity.  The usual spelling in English is elan and it’s often used with a modifier (eg “a certain elan”); the alternative spelling is the French élan.  The alternative spelling is the French élite and use of the French pronunciation the "U" ay-lahn rather than the "non-U" e-lan is one of the "class identifiers" on which readers of publications like Country Life focus when meeting folk.  To avoid the condemnation of pedants, the French spelling élan is recommended

The Lotus Elan

1962 Lotus Elan S1 DHC.

Lotus introduced the Elan in 1962, production continuing in four series until 1973, a companion four-seat (though really a 2+2) version made for a further two years.  Unlike the its predecessor, the exquisite Elite, the Elan would be offered as a convertible, the range adopting the English nomenclature of the time, the roadster a drop-head coupé (DHC, Type 26 (later 45)) and the closed version, introduced in 1966, a fixed-head coupé (FHC, Type 36).  

Lotus Elan chassis.

Abandoning the expensive and troublesome monocoque shell of the Elite, the Elan used a steel backbone chassis, the body this time a multi-piece affair, made again from fibreglass but using techniques which made it cheaper to manufacturer while maintaining quality; Lotus would use this method of construction for almost three decades.  Just as important was that for the first time, there would be imposed some rigor in standardization and production-line rationalization.  Profits flowed.  The Elan's pair of Rotoflex "doughnut" couplings are here visible on each side of the differential.

Overcoming the fragility of the Elite did come a cost and that was weight, the 1,500 lb (680 kg) Elan heavier by about 385 lb (175 kg) but by any other standard, the new car was still lithe and to compensate, there was more power.  One prototype Elite had been built the new 1.5 litre "Lotus Twin Cam" engine, based on the mundane but lively and tough Ford Kent four-cylinder unit (the "Kent"), transformed by the addition of an in-house designed, aluminum double overhead camshaft (DOHC) head and this was adopted as the Elan’s power-plant.  In the Lotus community, some regard the two-dozen odd 1.5 litre cars built as something like prototypes, all subsequent Elans built with 1.6 litre engines although the specifications and power outputs would vary according to improvements made and detuning demanded by emission control laws in some markets.   Like the Kent itself, the DOHC would enjoy a long life in both Ford and Lotus vehicles.   

Mrs Emma Peel (Diana Rigg (1938–2020)) in The Avengers (1965–1968) with her 1966 Lotus Elan S3 DHC (previously she had driven a white S2).

With the release of S3 (series 3) in June 1966, fixed side-window frames were fitted to the doors, the only way electric windows could be made to work without a major exercise in re-engineering the structure.  Along with refinements such as full-width, teak veneer dashboard, the luxury of power-windows was an indication Lotus was seeking to extend the Elan's appeal, especially in the lucrative US market and among the Elan cognoscenti, the S3 are regarded as the finest of the breed, collectors drawn especially to the two dozen-odd trimmed in red (all other Elans with black interiors).  One of reasons for the fondness for the S3 is it was the last generation built before it became necessary to conform with the phalanx of regulations (many of which were both a good idea and overdue) imposed by the US DOT (Department of Transportation, established by an act of Congress on 15 October 1966 and beginning operation on 1 April 1967).  To comply with the rules, in 1968 the S4 would be released with changes including flush fitted instruments, rocker switches replacing the toggles, collapsible steering columns and inward facing wheel spinners, these features also on the specification sheet for a run of some 450 S3 SS (Super Safety) cars, an interim release (a la the 1.25 & 1.5 Jaguar E-Types) although in the company's habitually haphazard way, not all of the SS cars included all these changes.

1968 Lotus Elan S3 FHC.

Dynamically, the Elan was from the start acclaimed, even compared to more expensive machines, the performance, handling and economy were the best compromise of the era, the steering especially praised; indeed, that’s one aspect of the Elan which has rarely been matched.  The more professional approach to cost-control and production line efficiencies brought benefits beyond the quality of the cars, Lotus for the first time a genuinely profitable operation, the revenue generating funds not only new models but also the Formula One program of the 1960s which would be the company’s golden era, yielding multiple driver’s and constructor’s championships.  The corollary of being a successful road car however meant it had to be built to appeal to a wider market than the highly strung Elite which had been more at home on the track than the street.  Accordingly, Lotus never envisaged a racing career for the new car, its suspension tuned softly enough to cope with the bumps and undulations of the real world better than the dainty Elite which was at its best exploring its limits on the billiard table-like surface of a racetrack.

1965 Lotus Type 26R.

However, although the factory had envisaged the Elan purely as a road car, owners quickly were convinced of its potential and around the world, in both standard and unmodified form, the Elan was soon a popular race-car so the factory began to receive requests for parts suitable for competition.  The customer being always right, Lotus responded, factory support soon forthcoming, culminating as early as 1964 in a racing version, the type 26R which featured lighter components, a strengthened drive-train, stiffer suspension, better brakes and more horsepower from a engine tuned and built by BRM (British Racing Motors, the team which had won the 1962 Formula One world championship).

1971 Lotus Elite Sprint DHC.

For the road cars, upgrades were frequent, a detachable hardtop soon offered and luxuries inconceivable in the Elite, such as lush carpeting, walnut trim and electric windows appeared at intervals.  Power increases over the years appear modest, the early versions rated at 105 bhp (78 kW) and the most potent at 126 bhp (94 kW) and there were variations as laws changed but the general trend was upwards.

1975 Lotus Elan +2S 130/5.

The Elan had been very much in the cottage-industry Lotus tradition, offered even in kit form for owners to assemble themselves, a practice which lasted until 1973 when changes to the UK’s value added tax (VAT, the UK’s consumption tax) rendered the practice unviable.  Very different and a harbinger of the "big" Lotus of the 1970s was the Elan +2 (Type 50), introduced in 1967.  Available only as a FHC, although visually inspired by the Elan, the +2 was wider, built on a longer wheelbase and included two rear seats, although the legroom meant they were suitable only for young children.  That however was the target market: the young men (and increasingly, even then, women), for whom a newly arrived family would otherwise have compelled a purchase from another manufacturer after outgrowing their Elan.  Never a big seller, it filled the same niche as Jaguar’s 2+2 E-Type and was popular enough to remain on sale for two years after Elan production ended in 1973, the last versions the most desirable, fitted with the five-speed gearbox included on a handful of the final Elan Sprints.

Well made imitation, the 1989 Mazda Maita (MX-5).

The Elan name was revived for a run of sports cars produced between 1989-1995 which were said to be very good but, being FWD (front-wheel drive) with all that implies, didn’t capture the imagination in the same way.  The Elan was also the template for Mazda’s very successful MX-5 (labelled in some markets variously as the Roadster or Miata), one of the more blatant pieces of far-east plagiarism, Mazda’s design centre known to have obtained at least two original Elans to study.  A typical Japanese product, the 1989 MX-5 corrected almost all the Elan’s faults and is probably as close to perfect as any car ever made.

Doughnut

Doughnut (pronounced doh-nuht)

(1) A deep-fried piece of dough or batter, usually mixed with various sweeteners and flavors, often made in a toroidal or ellipsoidal shape flattened sphere shape filled with jelly/jam, custard or cream and sometimes glazed.

(2) In engineering, a variety of objects using this shape ranging from transmission connectors to the reaction vessel of a thermonuclear reactor.

(3) In physics, a toroidal vacuum chamber.

(4) As a descriptor, anything in the shape of a torus (thick ring); an annular object; a toroid.

(5) In (informal) parliamentary jargon, to surround a speaker with other members during the filming of a speech to create the illusion the chamber is crowded and people are interested in what he is saying.

(6) In slang, the vulva and (by extension) a woman's virginity, a derived form being the “doughnut bumper” (a lesbian).

(7) In UK colloquial use, a foolish or stupid person (based on the idea of “nut” being used as slang for the head, filled with dough (a soft, inert substance); Now rare except as a regionalism although the companion “a bit doughy” (ie "a bit dense") endures.

(8) In admiralty slang, a circular life raft. 

(9) In the slang of musicians, a whole note.

(10) In automotive use, a "peel-out" or skid mark in the shape of a circle; a 360-degree skid created with deliberately excessive wheelspin, also associated with the "burn out".  The term is most used in the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia and in the latter it's most associated with (though not restricted to) "bogan culture".  Behavioral zoologists have noted the striking similarity between the tyre marks left on the road and the way some animals urinate to "mark their territory" but this may be drawing a long anthropological bow.

(11) In automotive use, a spare car tyre, smaller than a full-sized tyre and intended only for temporary use.

(12) In aviation, a type of tyre for an airplane with a rounded tread profile and a high sidewall which interacts (as a shock absorber) with the landing gear's hydraulics.

(13) In rehabilitative medicine. a toroidal cushion typically used by hemorrhoid  (piles) patients.  

(14) In hair styling, a shaper around which hair tightly can be bound.

(15) In vulgar slang, the vulva; by extension, a woman's virginity. 

(16) In the vulgar slang of the male gay community, a "puffy" anus with the outward shape of a donut (though it can be applied generally to any anus); the companion term is "donut hole".

1809: The construct was dough + nut.  Dough was from the Middle English dow, dogh & dagh, from the Old English dāg, from the Proto-Germanic daigaz (dough), from the primitive Indo-European dheygh (to knead, form, mold).  It was cognate with the Scots daich, dauch & doach (dough), the West Frisian daai (dough), the Dutch deeg (dough), the Low German Deeg (dough), the German Teig (dough), the Norwegian Bokmål deig (dough), the Danish dej (dough), the Swedish deg (dough) and the Icelandic deig (dough).  Nut was from the Middle English nute & note, from the Old English hnutu, from the Proto-West Germanic hnut, from the Proto-Germanic hnuts (nut) (the form may be compared with the West Frisian nút, the Dutch noot, the German Nuss, the Danish nød, the Swedish nöt and the Norwegian nøtt), from the root knu-, seen also in the Proto-Celtic knūs (source of Irish cnó) and the Latin nux (nut).  There are etymologists who, noting the form of the nouns and the restriction of the root to Germanic, Celtic and Italic, argue it may be of non-Indo-European origin.  The adoption to mean “fastening device for a bolt” is conventionally traced to the Old English hnutu (hard-shelled fruit with a seed inside (acorn, chestnut etc), based upon (1) the appearance and (2) an analogy between the hard outer shell of a nut and the protective function of the metal nut in securing a bolt (ie a nut, like its botanical counterpart, encases and protects something (in this case, the threaded end of a bolt).  The use has been documented since the early-fifteenth century and has been used in mechanical and engineering contexts since.  Doughnut is a noun & verb and doughnutting & doughnutted are verbs; the noun plural is doughnuts.

Etymologists note the spelling “donut” was not unknown in the first half of the twentieth century but was rare.  The event which seemed to have triggered the widespread adoption was the “quick service” restaurant Open Kettle (founded in Boston, Massachusetts in 1948) in 1950 changing its name to Dunkin' Donuts and, as a franchise operation, Dunkin' Donuts spread nationwide so along with the classic FSS (fat, salt & sugar) product came linguistic change, an example of the haphazard way English evolves.  Curiously, although Dunkin' Donuts Australia sites were by 2009 shuttered (after a two-decade run), the linguistic legacy endures and “donut” & “doughnut” peacefully co-exist whereas in the dozen-odd other countries where Dunkin' Donuts retains a presence, the latter is said to remain the mainstream spelling.

In all markets, Krispy Kreme continues to use “doughnut”, the company founded in North Carolina in 1937 at a time when the spelling was (almost) uncontested.  The first known evidence of the word “doughnut” appearing in print was in 1809 in Washington Irving’s (1783–1859) Knickerbocker’s History of New York and to refer to fried dough balls (ie literally “nuts of dough”) as “doughnuts” was etymologically and descriptively sound because, being then usually round with no hole and often stuffed with nuts or fruit preserves, the allusion was to nuts in the sense of the edible kernels from plants, not the fastener used with a bolt.  The brand-name Dunkin’ Donuts reflects the trend in mid-twentieth US commerce to simplify spellings (in the spirit of the sensible American rationalizations such as catalog vs catalogue, color vs colour etc) to make them “catchier” as well as obviously “modern” (nite vs night, thru vs through etc).  Being shorter, “donut” worked better on logos and signage and was very much part of the post-war zeitgeist of speed, efficiency & convenience.  Krispy Kreme never shifted their branding because the traditional spelling was thought to impart a sense of “authenticity and heritage” which tied in with the deliberately old-fashioned themes used in the stores fit-out; nostalgia as a commodity.  Most major prescriptive dictionaries continue to “doughnut” as the primary spelling, with “donut” as a variant, the popularity of the latter noted as a linguistic phenomenon in North America, Australia and on-line.

Box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

What Washington Irving mentioned in 1809 (the “small, spongy cake made of dough and fried in lard”) was probably best described as “a lump” because there seems to be no suggestion the size and exact shape of the things were in any way standardized beyond being vaguely roundish.  It’s not clear when the holes became common, the first mention of them apparently in 1861 at which time one writer recorded that in New York City (the old New Amsterdam) they were known also as olycokes (from the Dutch oliekoek (oily cake) and some food guides of the era listed doughnuts and crullers as “types of olycoke”.  The spelling donut was typical of the sensible and pragmatic simplification of spelling in US English and emerged in the mid nineteenth century; the form donnut did not last, the duplicated “n” obviously redundant.  In engineering, the word is widely applied including (1) the reaction vessel of a thermonuclear reactor, (2) a circular life raft, (3) A toroidal vacuum chamber (used in experimental physics), (4) a circular life raft, (5) certain types of aircraft tyres, (6) a spare car tyre smaller than a full-sized tyre and intended only for temporary use.  In idiomatic use, the phrase “bet you a dollar to a donut” fell victim to inflation.  Dating from a time when a donut typically cost a dime (5 cents), it thus implied odds of 20-1 and was part of a rich linguistic tradition which included memorable constructions such as "monkey to a mousetrap" (500-1).  As used to describe the behaviour in which a car is driven at low speed in circles with the drive wheels spinning, thus leaving a circular track of rubber on the road, the “donut” was first used circa 1981 in the US and it was picked up around the world by males aged 17-25, the donut specialists.

The great Krispy Kreme doughnut heist.

In November 2023, in Sydney, Australia, a Krispy Kreme delivery van loaded with 10,000 freshly fried doughuts was stolen from a 7/11 petrol (gas) station; police established a crime scene and launched an investigation into the incident and some two weeks later a 28 year old woman was charged with stealing after the Krispy Kreme van was found abandoned at a nearby car-park in Parramatta.  The donuts were “destroyed”, according to a police spokesman and the authorities later confirmed the suspect would be charged with "taking a driving conveyance without the consent of the owner, driving a motor vehicle during a disqualification period and travelling or attempting to travel without a valid ticket."  The woman was refused bail, presumably because the police forces anywhere would regard a threat to the national doughnut supply as a serious offence.

World War I Salvation Army doughnut girl poster.

The dough-boy was something which existed as early as the 1680s but it was something more like a pancake than a donut and doughboys were widely known; because the distinctive buttons on the uniforms worn by soldiers of the American expeditionary forces sent to Europe in 1971 to afforce the Allies in World War I (1914-1918) were the same shape, the soldiers were nicknamed “doughboys”.  Doughnuts were supplied to troops during World War I by a Christian organization, the Salvation Army (which uses military ranks but isn't really a paramilitary formation except in the sense of the later term "moral rearmament") which recruited some 250 woman volunteers who settled on the fried items because they could be prepared quickly and cheaply with minimal equipment and required only ingredients which were readily available through most military supply depots.  The doughnuts were originally quite small but, responding to suggestions, the women had a blacksmith fashion a mold for the now now-iconic circular shape with a hole in the centre.

World War I doughnut girl (left) and World War II (right) donut dolly.  It was during the later conflict the term "donut dolly" supplanted "doughnut girl", presumably because of the alliterative appeal.  Airline stewardesses (flight attendants) were (in less enlightened times) sometimes called "trolley dollies", the phonetic attraction there the rhyme although alliteration clearly appealed to the (always male) pilots of the era who preferred "flying fucks".  

Production at scale soon followed and they were distributed also to civilians; it was at this point, for better and worse, that French society hungrily adopted the doughnut.  During World War II (1939-1945), the system was formalized with the Red Cross taking over the operation and although it was never an official term, the women were known popularly as “donut dollies”, recruited on the basis of (1) being aged 25-35, (2) having a high school diploma, (3) appropriate work experience, (4) good reference letters and (5) “healthy, physically hardy, sociable and attractive”.  By the time of the D-Day landings in Normandy (6 June 1944), the Red Cross had some 100 British Army buses operating with fully-equipped kitchens, the donut-machines provided by the American Donut Company.  The donuts were served with coffee and the donut dollies were able to supply also those staples of army life: chewing gum and cigarettes.

Rotoflex doughnuts

Totoflex "Doughnut" coupling.

Rotoflex couplings were often used in the 1960s to connect differential output shafts to the rear hubs.  Usually called “rubber doughnut”, they were popular in road cars such as the Triumph GT6 and racing machinery as varied as the Ford GT40 and Lotus 21 because, prior to the availability of suitable constant velocity (CV) joints, there was really no better alternative.  Although subject to wear, usually they worked well but Lotus also used them on the Elan, the rear suspension of which was exceptionally supple rear, providing for significant vertical wheel travel which resulted on the deformation of Rotoflex doughnuts, the phenomenon known as a “wind up”.  While readily detectable by experienced drivers who learned to adjust their clutching technique, it could be disconcerting to those unused to the Elan’s quirks.

Doughnut installed: rear suspension of 1972 Lotus Elan Sprint.

In recent years, some of the replacement doughnuts manufactured in the Far East have been of sometimes dubious quality so except for those dedicated to maintaining originality, many Elans have been converted to use half-shafts built with CV joints.  When in 1971 the Elan was updated with a more powerful engine, the company did experiment with other methods but it was clear the elasticity of the doughnuts was integral to the design and without them the famously precise handling characteristics suffered.  Now however, although expensive, more rigid Rotoflex doughnuts are available which preserve the precision although at the cost of adding an occasional harshness to the Elan’s exceptionally smooth ride.

Crab Doughnuts: Chiltern Firehouse, London

Chiltern Firehouse Crab Doughnuts Recipe

Ingredients (doughnuts)

540g strong white flour (plus extra to dust)
70g caster sugar
2 tsp Maldon sea salt (plus 1 tbsp to dust)
1 tsp instant yeast
140ml water (room temperature)
4 large free range eggs
Grated zest of 3 un-waxed lemons
130g unsalted butter (thinly sliced and chilled)
500ml sunflower oil (for deep frying, plus extra for greasing)
3 tbsp icing sugar (to dust)
1 tbsp ground cinnamon (to dust)

Ingredients (tomato juice)

10 beef tomatoes (or whatever is the largest variety available)
2 cloves garlic (green germ removed and cloves chopped)
1 shallot (chopped)
¼ red chilli (de-seeded and chopped)
1 tbsp sherry vinegar
1 tbsp fish sauce
Maldon sea salt (to taste)

Ingredients (crab filling)

200g picked white crab meat (from the claws)
2 tbsp tomato juice
2 tbsp crème fraiche
1 tbsp basil leaves (thinly sliced)
2½ tsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
Maldon sea salt (to taste)

Instructions (doughnuts)

(1) Place flour, sugar, salt and yeast in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with dough hook attachment and mix at slow speed. In separate bowl, combine water, eggs and lemon zest.

(2) Slowly add liquid mixture to flour mixture (with mixer at slow speed) until it forms a dough. Increase the speed and knead for 10-12 minutes, until the dough comes away from sides of bowl and is smooth and elastic.

(3) Reduce speed to slow and add butter, a slice at a time. Once all butter has been incorporated, increase speed, kneading for a further 5-6 minutes (until sough is smooth).

(4) Cover bowl with clingfilm and place it in the fridge for at least 6 hours or overnight, allowing dough to rest and prove slowly. Next day, oil a baking sheet. Roll dough to a 2cm (¾ inch) thickness on a lightly floured work surface and cut out 80 x 30 mm (3 x 1 ¼ inch) circles. Roll each circle into a ball, placing them on oiled baking sheet. Cover and leave to prove for about 2-3 hours.

(5) Fill a deep saucepan or deep-fat fryer with the sunflower oil (it should be about half-full) and place over a medium heat until it reaches 175˚C. (350˚C).  Deep-fry doughnuts, four at a time, for 2-3 minutes, basting them constantly with the oil until golden brown.  To drain, transfer to a plate lined with kitchen paper.

Instructions (tomato juice)

Cut tomatoes in half and squeeze out seeds. Grate the flesh of the tomatoes on the side of a box grater over a bowl. Place grated tomato flesh in the bowl of a food processor with the remaining ingredients and blend until smooth. Transfer the mixture to a muslin cloth and hang cloth over a bowl for 2 hours.

Instructions (crab filling)

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Cover and chill until ready to assemble.

Instructions (final assembly)

Cut each doughnut in half and fill it with the chilled crab mixture. Mix the icing sugar in a bowl with the cinnamon and salt, dusting doughnuts with the mix. Serve immediately.  Left-over dough can be cut into 50-60 mm (2-2½ inch) circles and deep-fried until golden brown, then coated in sugar.  They make a quick and indulgent treat.

Parliamentary doughnutting

An improbable Cassandra:  Eric Abetz (b 1958, senator (Liberal Party) for Tasmania) 1994-2022) in the Australian Senate, Monday 26 November 2017, delivering an important speech opposing same-sex marriage, surrounded by his supporters.  This is an example of how "parliamentary doughnutting" would have created a good photo-opportunity.  The tactic is to assemble enough members to create the impression that what is being said (1) matters, (2) is interesting and (3) has some support.

Vagina & Vulva

Vagina (pronounced vuh-jahy-nuh)

(1) In anatomy & zoology, in many female mammals, the moist, tube-shaped canal part of the reproductive tract which runs from the cervix of the uterus through the vulva (technically between the labia minora) to the outside of the body.

(2) In botany, the sheath formed by the basal part of certain leaves where they embrace the stem.

(3) A sheath-like part or organ (now rare even in technical literature).

(4) In colloquial (and now general) use, the vulva, or the vulva and vaginal passage collectively.

(5) In derogatory colloquial use, an un-masculine man; a weakling (now rare, “pussy” the preferred modern term).

1675-1685: A creation of Medical Latin, a learned borrowing of the Latin vāgīna.  As used in anatomy, the seventeenth century coining was a specialized application of the Latin vāgīna (a sheath, scabbard; a covering, holder; sheath of an ear of grain, hull, husk) of uncertain origin, the suggestion by some etymologists it may have been cognate with the Lithuanian vožiu & vožti (to cover with a hollow thing) dismissed by others as “speculative” or even “gratuitous proposal”.  The use in medicine is exclusive to modern science, the Latin word not used thus during Antiquity.  Vagina is a noun, vaginal & vaginalike are adjectives, vaginally is an adverb; the noun plural is vaginas or vaginae (the old spelling vaginæ is effectively extinct); the part of the anatomy used for copulation & childbirth in female mammals and a similar organ exists in some invertebrates.

A damp Lindsay Lohan demonstrates the “cameltoe” look, Los Angeles, 2009 (left) and NoToe's “Cameltoe Proof Thong” solution (right).

Borrowed from zoology, “cameltoe” is popular modern slang which specifically references the vulva's labia majora, comparing the bifurcated (at certain angles) appearance with the even-toed hoof of a camel, the hooves of the ungulate mammals (known as Artiodactyls) an adaptation to the typically loose, sandy environment in which they evolved.  The slang form (also as camel toe & camel-toe) was re-purposed as “Cameltoe Harris”, a derogatory reference to Kamala Harris (b 1964; VPOTUS (US vice president) 2021-2025), use seemingly dating from 2015 while she was serving in California as attorney-general.  Just as in many fields where “there’s an app for that”, for those wishing to avoid the look, “there are knickers for that”.  Brisbane-based Australian operation NoToe's Cameltoe Proof Thong is made with “a Nylon/Spandex blend”, the design said to be “…breathable, seamless, tagless and roll-free thanks to its silicone grip.  And of course, it's cameltoe proof!”  In addition to removing the cameltoe, the thong also eliminates the dreaded VPL (visible panty line) and the product is “Designed Down Under for Down Under.”  One more gap in the market has been filled so that's good.

The vluva and vagina have for centuries attracted the coining of slang terms, not all of them derogatory.  In idiomatic use “vaginamoney” is (often embittered) slang for alimony, child support etc, money paid by men to ex-partners after the sundering of a relationship.  One slang form which may not survive is "hairy check book" (cheque book outside the US) because (1) checks are declining in use and (2) body-hair fashions have changed.  In psychiatry, the condition vaginaphobic describes “a fear of or morbid aversion to vaginas) and vaginaphile (an admiration for vaginas) is listed by only some dictionaries which is surprising given authors are so often given to write about them and painters are drawn to painting them (in the sense of oil on canvas etc although there’s doubtless a niche for applying paint directly).  Dating from 1908, the term “vagina dentata” entered psychiatry and its popularization is usually attributed Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) although this perception may be attributable to Freud’s works being better known and more widely read, the term used by many in the profession.  The Latin vagina dentata (toothed vagina) referenced the folk mythology in which a woman's vagina contained teeth, the implication being a consequence of sex might be emasculation or at least severe injury.  The tale was also used as a warning about having sex with unknown women and as a way of discouraging rape.  The vivid imagery of a vagina dentata (in somewhat abstract form) was used by the US military as a warning about the dangers of STIs (sexually transmitted infection (once known as sexually transmitted diseases (STD) & VD (venereal disease).  Some writers have speculated on what this revealed about Freud and his much discussed understanding of women.

Vulva (pronounced vuhl-vuh)

(1) The external female genitalia of female mammals (including the labia, mons veneris, clitoris and vaginal orifice.

(2) In helminthology, a protrusion on the side of a nematode (multivulva used to describe a phenotype of nematode characterized by multiple vulvas).

(3) In arachnology, the spermatheca and associated ducts of the female reproductive system (also known as internal epigyne or internal genitalia).

(4) An internal genital structure in female millipedes (known also as the cyphopod).

Late 1300s: A learned borrowing from the Latin vulva, from the earlier volva (womb, female sexual organ) (perhaps in the literal sense of a “wrapper”), from volvere (to turn, twist, roll, revolve (also “turn over in the mind”)), probably from volvō (to turn, to roll, to wrap around), from the primitive Indo-European root wel- (to turn, revolve), the derivatives referring to curved, enclosing objects.  In the 1970s, when Volvo automobiles weren’t noted for their precise handling, journalists enjoyed noted the translation of the Latin volvō as: “I roll”.   It was akin to the Sanskrit उल्ब (úlba) (womb).  The adjectives vulvalike (also vulva-like) & vulviform both describe objects or designs having the shape of a vulva.  Vulva is a noun, vulval, vulvaless, vulviform, vulvar, vulvate & vulvic are adjectives; the noun plural is vulvas, vulvae or vulvæ.

Ms Gillian Anderson’s “vagina dress”

Gillian Anderson, Golden Globes award ceremony 2024.

So much interest was generated by the dress (which the designer dubbed “vulvalicious”) that the handbag (there are those who would insist it’s a “purse”) escaped much attention which was a shame because it was a clever design.  Aquazzura’s Mini Purist Metallic Pouch blends the utilitarian function of the classic night-time mini bag with the swinging style of a shoulder bag, imagined as a semi-circle.  What the adjustable silver shoulder strap afforded was the choice of it being carried off the shoulder or, if removed, used as a conventional handbag, the hard golden top handle folding from the base.  The semi-circle is of course a less than efficient shape for a handbag (or purse) in the sense of a "storage device" but it gives the stylists a nice curve with which to work.  

There’s nothing novel in the critical deconstruction of what appears on red carpets but the dress worn by actor Gillian Anderson (b 1968) at the 2024 Golden Globe ceremony also attracted the attention of word nerds.  Designed by Gabriela Hearst (b 1976), the strapless, ivory corset gown was embroidered with individually stitched embellishments in the shape of vulvas, each of which absorbed some 3½ hours of the embroider’s time.  In an allusion to her sexual wellness brand (G spot), when interviewed, Ms Anderson said she wore the piece: “…for so many reasons. It’s brand appropriate.”  The response in the press and on-line appeared to be (mostly) positive but what did attract criticism was the widespread use of “vagina” to describe the designs, a descriptor used even by Ms Anderson herself.  The more strident of the critics seemed to detect sexual politics in what they claimed was anatomical imprecision, the implication being this lack of respect for gynaecological terminology was casual misogyny: Doubts were cast anyone would dare confuse a scrotum with the testicles.

Annotated anatomical sketch (left) Edsel Citation convertible (centre) and the detail on Gabriela Hearst's gown (right).  Although Ms Anderson probably didn't give the 1958 Edsel a thought, it does illustrate why her use of "vagina" to describe the embroidered motifs is defensible.

The pedants are correct in that technically the “vulva” describes on the external portion of the genitalia that leads to the vagina; the vulva including the labia majora, labia minora, and clitoris.  The labia is also a complex structure which includes the labia majora (the thick, outer folds of skin protecting the vulva’s internal structure) and the labia minora (the thin, inner folds of skin directly above the vagina).  However, for almost a hundred years, the term “vagina” has widely been used to refer to the vulva and has come to function as a synecdoche for the entire female genitalia and so prevalent has the use become that even medical professionals use “vagina” thus unless great precision is required.  Still, given Ms Anderson’s brand is concerned with such matters, perhaps the historically correct use might have been better but the actor herself noted “…it has vaginas on it” so linguistically, her proprietorial rights should be acknowledged.

The Edsel, the grill and the myths

1958 Edsel Citation convertible.

Although it went down in industrial history as one of capitalism’s most expensive failures, objectively, Ford Motor Corporation’s Edsel really wasn’t a dramatically worse car than the company’s companion brands Ford & Mercury.  Indeed that was one of the reasons for the failure in the market; sharing platforms, engines, transmissions, suspension and some body parts with Fords & Mercurys, the thing simply lacked sufficient product differentiation.  That sharing of components (and assembly plants; Ford sending the Edsels down the existing production lines in the same factories) also makes it hard to believe the often quoted US$300 million (between US$2.5-3 billion expressed in 2025 values) Ford booked as a loss against the abortive venture as anything but an opportunity taken by the accountants to dump all the bad news in one go, certain taxation advantages also able to be gained with this approach. 

1959 Edsel Corsair two-door hardtop.

The very existence of Edsel was owed to a system devised by Alfred P Sloan (1875–1966) while president of General Motors (GM).  Sloan is now mostly forgotten by all but students of industrial & economic history but he was instrumental in the development some of the concepts which underpinned the modern economy including frequent product changes (for no functional purpose), planned obsolescence and consumer credit.  What the "Sloan ladder" did was provide GM’s customers with a structured incremental status indicator, defined by a range of products (with substantial cross-amortization) at price points which encouraged them to “step up” to the next level as disposable income increased.  At one point, GM’s brand-range had nine rungs but the Great Depression of the 1930s necessitated some pruning and, after a cull in 1931 cut the brands to six, what eventually emerged after 1940 was a five rung system which would be sustained until the twenty-first century: Chevrolet, Pontiac, Oldsmobile, Buick & Cadillac.  In the 1950s, when the US economy enjoyed the unusual conjunction of rising incomes, stable prices and a remarkably (by both historic and contemporary standards) small disparity between the wealth of rich and poor, this produced the swelling middle class which was the target market for most consumer products and certainly those on the Sloan ladder.  Ford had in 1938 added a rung when the Mercury brand was spliced between Ford and Lincoln but in the mid 1950s, the MBAs convinced the company the Sloan system was the key to GM’s lead in the market and they too re-structured the company’s products into five rungs: Ford, Mercury, Edsel, Lincoln & Continental.  Actually, in a harbinger, the loss-making Continental Division lasted barely two seasons, folded into Lincoln before the Edsel debuted for the 1958 model year but the MBAs kept the faith.

1958 Edsel (left) and 1958 Oldsmobile (right).  One can see why someone at Time magazine thought of "an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon".

That faith turned out to be misplaced although in fairness to them, the circumstances in 1958 were unfortunate, a short but sharp recession shocking consumers who had become accustomed to growth and stability, believing that such unpleasantness belonged to the pre-war past.  The Edsel never recovered.  Although sales in 1958 were disappointing, given the state of the economy, it could have been worse but Ford’s market research (focus groups a thing even then) had identified problems and in response toned down the styling and moved the brand down-market, notionally to sit between Ford & Mercury, a gap which in retrospect didn’t exist.  Sales dropped that year by about a third and the writing was on the wall although, surprising many, a pared-down Edsel range was released for 1960 using Ford’s re-styled bodies but not many were fooled and fewer than 3000 left the factory before late in 1959 the end of the brand quietly was announced.

Bavarian takes on the cameltoe: 1938 Frazer-Nash BMW 328 Roadster with the grill's centre bars in non-standard red (top left), 1959 BMW 507 (top right), 1971 BMW 3.0 CSL (E9), one of the 169 first series leichtbau (light construction) CSLs with twin downdraft Zenith carburetors) (bottom left) and 2022 BMW M4-Competition-xDrive Convertible (G82, bottom right).

Ford might have felt the Edsel was criticized unfairly (at least on a anatomical basis) because, since the 303 in 1933, BMW had been fitting grills which blatantly were “cameltoesque” in appearance although perhaps they escaped opprobrium because it wasn’t until 1962 with the release of 1500 (the so-called Neue Klasse (New Class, 1962-1972)) the design assumed aspect ratios close to that of the typical human female, exemplified by the elegant E9 coupés (1968-1975).  BMW also came to use physiology as a descriptor for the style but delved deeper, preferring the gender-neutral “twin kidney”.  Interestingly, for the lovely 507 roadsters (1956-1959) the twin apertures were stretched wide and the look was greeted with acclaim (Pontiac, with aplomb, taking up the “twin-grill” concept) and it wasn’t until BMW's huge, gaping apparatuses appeared in the twenty-first century that the style Nazis condemned the look as “absurd”.  The deep and wide-set grills of the BMWs of the 2020s are the cameltoe at scale and for those who question the anatomical reference because they doubt “wide set vaginas” are a thing, their existence was confirmed in Mean Girls (2004).

1969 BMW 2000 C (left) as the factory did it and as re-imagined with the "twin kidney" grill in the twenty-first century style (right).

Architecturally, a half-century before the G82, BMW had the space to anticipate the M4’s “wide-set” look.  The E9’s predecessor was a coupé based on the Neue Klasse platform with the four-cylinder engine enlarged to 2.0 litres (121 cubic inch) and offered as the 2000 C (single carburetor) and 2000 CS (twin carburetor) between 1965-1969.  The new coupé replaced the low-volume and expensive 3200 CS (1962-1965) which had been powered by a 3.2 litre (193 cubic inch) V8 and the most commented upon aspect of the design was the frontal styling, the word upon which most critics settled being “polarizing”.  It was the then unusual headlight treatment which induced the “love it or hate it” feelings, the chrome-framed asymmetric glass fairings something which later would become familiar but in 1965 it was “the shock of the new”.  Between the fairings there was a lot of space but BMW didn’t then take the opportunity to tempt buyers with the “wide-set vagina” look which would have to wait for the next century, instead maintaining a familial link with the grill on the Neue Klasse sedans.  The styling of the 2000 C/CS is regarded now as an interesting period piece and an example of something which might have been a trend-setter but the industry went in other directions, one of which was the E9 which remains BMW’s finest achievement, something unlikely ever to be said of anything in the company's 2025 range.

The wide-set and the Brazilian.

Recently, it emerged there can be financial implications for the wide-set (ie those who anatomically identify more with the BMW G82 than the E9).  The details were revealed in a text message between a beauty salon operative (the waxer) and her client (the waxee) who had just enjoyed (the verb used in the sense of "to have had the use or benefit of something") the application of a Brazilian (an ellipsis of “Brazilian wax”, a specific style of pubic hair removal in which only a narrow strip or triangle of growth is retained on the mons pubis).  What the waxer advised was: “Just in future I’ll have to charge you a little more for the size of the area.  I hope that makes sense, nothing crazy, like $5 or $10 extra.”  The waxer’s rationale for that was based on the waxee having a FUPA (fatty upper pubic area, a normal variation in human anatomy rather than a condition) which means a greater surface area.  That, in the context of performing a Brazilian, demands (1) a higher consumption of consumable product (wax), (2) more time required to apply wax and (3) more time required to remove wax.  Reaction on social media was mixed, a few arguing the economics justified the surcharge although most condemned the waxer and thought pricing should be universal with, over time, the relative few needing more wax being balanced out by the relative few needing less.  That's standard economic theory but it's doubtful pubic hair removal has ever appeared in the textbooks as a case study.  For those who find it tiresome to try to remember acronyms, a probably more mnemonic alternative comes from the ever productive world of Australian vulgar slang: gunt, the construct being g(ut) + (c)unt. 

1960 Edsel Ranger Sedan.  By 1960, the Edsel really was a "gorped-up" (what bling used to be called) Ford and the 34 days it was in production happened only to fulfil contractual obligations and avoid tiresome legal proceedings.  In little more than two years, Edsel went from "too much, too soon", to "too little, too late".

Although it began as something more than a gorped-up Ford, the Edsel wasn't that much more and it failed because for such a hyped product it was a disappointment and in that it can be compared to something like the administration of Barack Obama (b 1961; POTUS (US president) 2009-2017).  Barack Obama was not a bad president and he didn’t lead a bad government, indeed most objective analysts rate his term as “above average” (the perhaps biased Donald Trump (b 1946; POTUS 2017-2021 and since 2025) dissenting from this view) but he disappointed because he promised so much, the soaring rhetoric (“highfalutin nonsense” as the press baron Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964) would have put it) offering hope and change never realized.  There was also the Edsel’s styling.  There was much clumsiness in the detailing (although almost the whole US industry was similarly afflicted in 1958) but the single most polarizing aspect was the vertical grill assembly, controversial not because it was a regression to something which had become unfashionable in the “longer, lower, wider” era but because of the shape which to some suggested a woman’s vulva.  Some used the words “vagina” or “genitalia” but in those more polite times some publications were reluctant to use such words in print and preferred to suggest the grill resembled a “horse collar” or “toilet seat” although the latter was (literally) a bit of a stretch and anyway already used of some of the trunk (boot) lids on Chryslers styled to excess by Virgil Exner (1909–1973); more memorable was Time magazine’s “an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon”.

Quirkiness coming & going: 1958 Edsel Bermuda “Woody” station wagon.

The “woody” nickname was applied to the station wagons from all manufacturers although after the early 1950s the “wood” was a combination of fibreglass and the DI-NOC plastic appliqué, the look intended to evoke that of the partially timber-bodied station wagons in production until the early 1950s.  Strangely, Chrysler and Mercury in the 1960s even did a few convertibles with the stuff glued on (recalling some earlier such things from the 1940s which used real wood), the former later unable to resist the temptation for the vaguely cartoonesque LeBaron Town & Country convertible (1983-1984).  Ford’s attempt in the 1960s to persuade British & Australian buyers of station wagons DI-NOC was charming proved brief and unsuccessful but in the domestic market the popularity lasted until 1990s.  As much as the sedans and convertibles, Edsel station wagons were just as unwanted.  The Bermuda was offered only for the 1958 model year and it sold a dismal 2,235, 779 being the nine-seater version with an additional row of seating in the rear section, a configuration always popular with US buyers in the era of larger families and before the age of mini-vans and SUVs (sports utility vehicles).  The three-row Bermuda was the rarest of the 1958 Edsels but collectors still price them below the convertibles, reflecting the usual practice in which (with the odd exceptions such as Mercedes-Benz Gullwings, 1963 Chevrolet Corvettes and certain rear-engined Porsches), convertible coach-work trumps all other styles.  If the vulva-themed front end was confronting, there was a strangeness too at the rear, the turn-indicator lights in the shape of an arrow, a traditional symbol to indicate one's intended direction of travel but bizarrely, the Edsel’s arrows pointed the opposite way, something necessitated by the need to blend the shape with that of the body’s side moldings.

1959 Edsel Villager 6 passenger Station Wagon.

Like the grill, for 1959 the tail of the station wagon was toned-down from bizarre to baroque.  It didn’t much stimulate demand and only 5,687 were sold while in the same season, Ford shifted 147,748 station wagons (123,412 Country Sedans & 24,336 Country Squires).  In 1958 the relationship between the Villager & Bermuda had reflected that of Ford’s Country Sedan to the more expensive (and DI-NOCed) Country Squire and while Ford would for decades top the station wagon sales charts, after 1960 the only more expensive versions offered by the corporation would be Mercurys.  As a footnote, along with the Ranger, the Villager did survive as part of the quixotic 1960 range when a mere 275 left the line, lending it the dubious distinction of being the rarest Edsel station wagon.  Despite that usually compelling statistic, collectors still prefer the 1958 & 1959 wagons, probably because the 1960 models lack the distinctive grill which is the most identifiable part of an Edsel's once dubious "brand recognition".

Heading in the right direction, the CCP's sports car: 2025 MG Cyberster.

The Shanghai-based SAIC Motor Corporation picked up the idea of arrows for turn-signals and a pair appeared on the MG Cyberster but unlike Edsel, the Chinese engineers had them pointing in the correct direction.  The MG Cyberster is a battery electric roadster and a modern take on the traditional MG sports car though stylistically not an obvious homage in the way the 1989 Mazda Mitia (MX-5) paid homage to the original Lotus Elan (1962-1975).  While some critics have complained the platform is not sufficiently focused to be a “sports car”, the Cyberster really is in the tradition of what most of the classic MGBs were: a roadster which does what most people want to do most of the time.  SAIC is state-owned and acquired the MG marque in 2007 and thus far the CCP (Chinese Communist Party) has been more adept at building reliable roadsters than was the nationalized British Leyland when MG was part of that doomed conglomerate in the 1970s.  Having concluded it’s faster and easier to buy "brand-recognition" than to create it, the Chinese are proving successful in making products which are coming to define the modern electric car, the consequence of the country controlling most aspects of the essential elements of such things and in a nice touch, although the Cyberster is built in China, MG’s past in acknowledged by the taillights directional turn-signals including in the design a part the UK’s Union Flag (Union Jack).  Economists are watching the modern Chinese economy with interest because its particular blend of central planning and crony capitalism is a hybrid never before attempted at scale.  On paper, central planning should ensure the most efficient allocation of resources and thus produce the best aggregate outcomes but previous ventures such as the Soviet Union or the British in their (1960s-1970s) nationalization phase both failed (though for different reasons).  Drawing from the long tradition of Chinese commerce, the CCP may yet prove to be the best at capitalism and the country's truly "communist" phase (1949-1989) is already being seen as an aberration.

A J.D. Vance meme with sofa (in US memes referred to usually as a "couch").

The Edsel ran its historic race more than a decade before the Watergate scandal so there was never a "grillgate" or "Edselgate" but the vulva did in 2024 return to the news with couchgate-themed memes.  In July that year, a post appeared on X (formerly known as Twitter) claiming there was a passage in J.D. Vance’s (b 1984; VPOTUS since 2025) book Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis (2016) in which the then US senator (Republican-Ohio) boasted of having enjoyed a sexual act with a latex glove, strategically placed between a sofa’s cushions.

It was fake news and nothing in the book even hinted at such an experience but quickly the post went viral; it once could take years for urban myths to spread between localities but in the social media age such things whiz around the planet in minutes.  Quickly the tale was debunked but couchgate was a popular choice among the meme-makers and it says something about US politics that so many really wanted to believe "couchgate" was true.  Whether latex glove sales spiked because suddenly there were those wishing to try the hopefully novel technique isn't known but there will be places on the internet where those tempted will document their experience(s).

Heavy duty (HD), neoprene-coated latex gloves (medium/large) from Walmart.

After Pope Francis (1936-2025; pope 2013-2025) died, posts began to circulate noting that hours before he dropped dead he'd had an audience with recent Catholic-convert J.D. Vance and comparisons were made with the death of Elizabeth II (1926-2022; Queen of the UK 1952-2022) coming barely two days after meeting Liz Truss (b 1975; UK prime-minister Sep-Oct 2022).  The pope of course was head of the Roman Catholic Church and the queen was Supreme Governor of the Church of England and it seemed striking both should succumb so soon after the pleasure of a conversation with a right-wing fanatic.  It must be assumed both events were just bad luck but Mr Vance is a serious convert to the faith and better-acquainted than most with Roman Catholic theology and he'll be familiar with the "visitation of the angel of death", a figure sent by God to tap on the shoulder one for whom the time has come to quit the world.

For most of the republic's existence, holders of the office of vice-president tended to be obscure figures noted only if they turned out to be crooks like Spiro Agnew (1918–1996; VPOTUS 1969-1973) or assumed the presidency in one circumstance or another and during the nineteenth century there was a joke about two brothers: “One ran off to sea and the other became vice-president; neither were ever heard from again.”  That was an exaggeration but it reflected the general view of the office which has few formal duties and can only ever be as powerful or influential as a president allows although the incumbent is “a heartbeat from the presidency”.  John Nance Garner III (1868–1967, VPOTUS 1933-1941), a reasonable judge of these things, once told Lyndon Johnson (LBJ, 1908–1973; VPOTUS 1961-1963 & POTUS 1963-1969) being VPOTUS was “not worth a bucket of warm piss” (which in polite company usually is sanitized as “...bucket of warm spit”).  In the US, a number of VPOTUSs have become POTUS  and some have worked out well although of late the record has not been encouraging, the presidencies of Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon (1913-1994; VPOTUS 1953-1961, POTUS 1969-1974), George H.W. Bush (George XLI, 1924-2018; US president 1989-1993) and Joe Biden (b 1942; VPOTUS 2008-2017, POTUS 2021-2025) all ending badly, respectively in despair, disgrace, defeat and decrepitude.

Still, in the post-war years, the VPOTUS has often assumed a higher profile or been judged to be more influential, the latter certainly true of Dick Cheney (b 1941; VPOTUS 2001-2009) and some have even been given specific responsibilities such as LBJ’s role as titular head of the space program (which worked out well) or Kamala Harris co-ordinating the response to difficulties on the southern border (a role in which either she failed or never attempted depending on the source).  So wonderfully unpredictable is Donald Trump that quite what form the Vance VPOTUSship will assume is guesswork but conspiracy theorists already are speculating part of MAGA forward-planning is to have Mr Vance elected POTUS in 2028, simply as part of a work-around in a constitutional jigsaw puzzle.

The conspiracy revolves around the words in Section 1 of the Twenty-second Amendment (ratified in 1951): “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice” and even the most optimistic MAGA lawyers concede not even Brett Kavanaugh (b 1965; SCOTUS associate justice since 2018) or Clarence Thomas (b 1948; SCOTUS associate justice since 1991) could construct an interpretation which would allow Mr Trump to be elected for a third term (although Justice Thomas might make a heroic attempt).  The constitution is however silent on whether any person may serve a third (or fourth, or fifth!) term so that makes possible the following sequence:

(1) In the 2028 election J.D.Vance is elected POTUS and somebody else (matters not who) is elected VPOTUS.

(2) In 2029, J.D. Vance and somebody else (matters not who) are sworn into office as POTUS-48 & VPOTUS respectively.

(3) Somebody else (matters not who) resigns as VPOTUS.

(4) J.D. Vance appoints Donald Trump as VPOTUS who is duly sworn-in.

(5) J.D. Vance resigns as POTUS-48 and, as the constitution dictates, Donald Trump becomes POTUS-49 and is duly sworn-in.

(6) Donald Trump appoints J.D.Vance as VPOTUS.

Whatever the politics, constitutionally, there is nothing controversial about those six steps because there’s a precedent, the sequence picking-up some of what happened between 1968 when Nixon & Agnew were elected POTUS and VPOTUS and 1974 when the offices were held respectively by Gerald Ford (1913–2006; VPOTUS 1973-1974 & POTUS 1974-1977) and Nelson Rockefeller (1908–1979; VPOTUS 1974-1977), neither of the latter pair having been elected.  Of course, in January 2029 somebody else (matters not who) would be a “leftover” but he (it seems a reasonable assumption somebody else (matters not who) will be male but for such an obviously expendable role for MAGA to use a female is not impossible) can, depending on this and that, be appointed something like secretary of agriculture or to a sinecure such as an ambassadorship in a nice (non-shithole) country with a pleasant climate and a majority white population.